| Toni 的个人资料FIGHTING INSANITY照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
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9月28日 To Clarify... I can see that after only 2 comments on my page that my mother will read this entry and have a cow and call me and make sure I'm not in the process of killing myself. Sorry, guys. That was extreme.
I feel horrible for writing what I did yesterday. I only wanted to express the fact that I felt my body going through what would normally be another horrible breakdown, but armed with knowledge, love and support, it is only a teensy-tiny blip on my emotional richter scale.
I've become a big believer in positive thinking--not that I always think positively, but I know that it would help tremendously if I did. I know that. Caleb's been preaching it for years..."Look at the bright side, Toni. You're always so negative. Take life one day at time. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself."
I read an article in our tiny town paper about a month ago with some very good advice. I wish I'd kept it so I could copy it exactly and give credit to who wrote it, but here's the gist of it:
Americans don't like to be the slightest bit uncomfortable. If we're hot, we immediately turn on the air conditioner. If we're cold, we crank up the heat. We eat before we even get hungry. When we get a little blue, we turn to medication. We don't allow ourselves to JUST FEEL LIFE.
A woman married young, had babies, and spent much time complaining about her situation--she and her husband had little money, little time to spend together...she became depressed, and one day, the poor guy had enough. "Do something! Anything! Just do something for yourself! Even if it's the wrong thing--I don't care!"
So she did. She stayed active. She always did something, sometimes the wrong something...but overall the family was much happier.
I am so guilty of all of this. Guilty of doing this for as long as I can remember. I complain more than I take action or responsibility. I find it so hard to be positive and cheerful, but so easy to let myself be down and miserable.
Caleb has a thought about himself that I want to start applying to my own life: "I am strong. I have a strong mind. I won't LET myself get down. I can't. I haven't ALLOWED myself the time to be depressed--although there are some things that I could be depressed about. I am too strong for that."
Whether it's true that he is as strong as he thinks he is (I think he is) or not--he BELIEVES IT. I've always worried that one day life will hit him with such fierceness that he will loose all faith in himself. But so far, this has really pulled him through some tough and stressful times. It is his mantra--he has gotten himself so far and through so much in his life by NOT GIVING HIMSELF into sadness. I wish with all my heart that I can do that from now on. I don't want to disappoint my family. I don't want to be the person filled with negativity and sadness, passing the blame for everything bad in my life onto "things beyond my control."
It's so hard to admit to myself I am the cause of my own unhappiness, but it's true. Life happens to everyone--it's how we handle it that makes us who we are. What has happened to me, and who am I now because of it? The sad truth is that not much has happened to me. Not much at all, considering the billions of people in the world that go through worse. And who am I? Well, honestly, I am not someone I think I would like. I am whiny. I am irresponsible. I am lazy. And I am scared. I have a bad habit of taking lemons and pouring the juice into milk. It makes nothing but stomach-turning curdles. And who wants to drink that?
So, for the record, I apologize to myself, and to all the relationships I have strained or ruined, because I know I can be a better person than that. And I am mostly sorry to Caleb, and I thank him for his endless patience and support. I would say I'll try harder, but a wise man once said something to the effect of "You either do or do not. There is no try." Holy Cracker Barrel, I'm just so full of freakin' wisdom today. 9月27日 Doodling and Reflecting and Just Generally Not ThinkingDoes anyone else out there ever feel like there really are voices in their head? Voices that you can't control whether you actually listen to or not?
Good Gravy. I feel like I'm having a meltdown. Only this time, it's more like a drunken, confusing, maybe even silly meltdown, rather than the ordinary suicidal one.
Okay, I exaggerated with the word "suicidal."
Sorry.
No, seriously. Again, I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs into a pillow. Funny how now, I can step outside of myself and realize what's happening--just another vicious mental cycle. I can actually tell when my brain is going through each step--anger, denial, sadness...Textbook psychosis. Okay, maybe that's exaggeration too. Is it really psychosis if you can tell it's happening?
On one hand, I like being a little more in control of it. On the other hand, since when am I so detached? So unexcitable and unemotional?
Ach. I've been drawing and inking and doodling like a madman--(Ha!)--trying to get myself through this phase without a total breakdown. It also occured to me today that my biological mother must've gone through somewhat of the same cycle--all these years, no one understood. I even hated her for the way she acted...and now, after she's dead and I can no longer ask questions...I am finally starting to "get" her. No sighs of relief over that, only a little fear--all my life I've thought of the woman as a crazy drug addict who would hurt anyone and do anything for...I never knew what for. She would do it, and feel so horrible that she had done it, and retreat, and come back, and act like nothing had ever happened. I get that now. I really do. Because I see it happening to me...only maybe my mind is still spry and keen enough to turn away from doing crazy and hurtful things to the people I love...Will I always be on top of this? Will I end up chasing everyone away? Will my family not understand me in the end?
I think the answer is no. I've got support. I know myself a little better. My family knows. My husband knows. I cannot possibly be capable of going completely off the deep end--maybe knowing there's always the possibility will make me work harder not to...Listen to me. I sound like a freaking shrink.
The point of this--I feel pretty good...but I can sense a disturbance within the force. I am looking foward to seeing my family this coming week, but somewhere deep down inside, I dread being around people...only this time the thought is small. Thank God. 9月24日 So Excited Yesterday, Cheyenne and I attended "Leader/Daughter Day" at a Girl Scout Camps north of Oklahoma City. (Oh. Did I mention I volunteered to take over her girl scout troop this year?) Anyhow, the event itself was worthless. The ladies were all much older and much more...Amish-y than me. That's the only way I know how to describe it. They're not Amish, I'm sure, because we all drove cars and had cell phones. But the other mothers all had really long hair, no make-up, and wore the dreaded "mommy" jeans. (Yeah, I know. Weren't those outlawed?) Cheyenne got to play with children, who, according to her, were waaaay too young--2nd and 3rd graders. Brownies. I tell ya.
So after we ske-daddled out of there, we decided to stop for ice cream and hit a few neato stores. Actually, we only hit one. If you're ever in OKC, check out "The French Cowgirl" on Western Avenue. I just fell in love with this funky little store. And, we spotted several places we'd like to hit sometime between now and next year--The Paseo district of Oklahoma City--art galleries out the yin-yang. Can't wait.
I have exactly 7.0 days before we leave for Pensacola. I'm literally bouncing off the walls. I would've packed already if I didn't need to wear clothes this week. I've got my little sister's Bachelorette Scavenger Hunt all planned out, typed up, and ready for take-off. My head is just spinning thinking about all the fun stuff I'll get to do down there--mostly hang out with my family. Catch up with my friends. Hold a baby. Hit the beach. The word "heaven" comes to mind... 9月21日 I think I just blew my own mind... So many things...I'd probably do myself well to blog daily and take things one at a time instead of letting events pile up one week at a time, thus forcing my brain to work overtime and have a blogging-burn-out.
My friend Casey M. had her 2nd baby a few days ago, a boy! Evan...I love that name. They are back home now and happy and healthy and tired as all get out, I'm sure. Congratulations to her.
My other friend, Casey S., is adjusting to her temporary life as a stay-at-home mommy. This is her first, so it's a real eye-opener, I think. Poor thing is going absolutely crazy--and is still not so confident taking little Brandon out and about quite yet, what with the poopy-episode at the mall and everything. She'll be an old pro after another month or so, I'm sure of it.
My friend Nikki's husband just got back from one of those countries that end in "stan" a few days ago. This was his...second? deployment, I think? So it's good to know he's home and safe and sound.
And my friend Inka has set a wedding date for May of 2007. So that means 2 trips to Florida within one year. Sweet.
Today Mia and I puked our brains out. Why, I'm sure I don't know. It's definitely not a morning sickness issue if we both did it, within a few hours of each other. Bad grapes, maybe? We're feeling better this afternoon, but taking it easy anyway. Poor Caleb is just waiting, wondering, "Could I be next?" And I haven't heard from the school nurse, so I'm assuming Cheyenne is okay.
The season premiere of my favorite guilty pleasure came on last night--America's Next Top Model. It's like Cinderella meets Smackdown. How could you not love this show? Even as cheesy and rehearsed as Tyra Banks sounds sometimes. I really watch it for the drama queens and the cat fights, plus listening to the judges rip on the girls...but I'll admit, I get a kick out of the clothes and make-up just as much as any other girl.
The other day we were planting wild sunflowers that we ganked from the woods. We were down in our trench in the front of the yard, and it had just rained, making a nice roomy pond/mudhole...it was so tempting. And we all know how I am about making sloppy messes. It didn't take me long to stop fighting the good fight and jump in that sweet, sweet mud. Mia and Cheyenne joined me as well, and we must've played for an hour or so, with Caleb on the sidelines, jealous, I'm sure, but never jumping in with us. Boy, we were nasty mofos when we finally climbed out of that ditch. Nasty, but happy beyond belief.
Caleb took pictures of us--and here's where things got ugly. I took a look at them the next day and I look like a pig, literally, a pig, in the mud. Have I really gained weight? Or have I just been kidding myself all this time? Either way, the pig-pics were a wake-up call. Diet time. Ha! We'll see how that goes... 9月18日 How DID Stella Get Her Groove Back? Yeah, so, in the baby-making department, we haven't been as successful lately as we'd hoped we would be by now. Sometimes life just gets in the way of, well, creating life. How does that work?
It seems like Caleb's always tired. Or out of town. Or watching a show. Or just plain not in the mood. He's putting a damper on all my plans!
Okay, I could continue with this lie and blame it all on him, or I can fess up and say that I, too, am always tired. Or watching a show. Or zoning out on the couch. Or thinking about aliens and just plain not in the mood. Or...
Could it be that I've lost my mad romantical skillz?
I have been out of practice these days, what with being a mother of a toddler and all. That, and I just can't bring myself to get freaky under the watchful eyes of our dogs.
Maybe I need to take some classes. My ideas of macking on my husband could be a little outdated.
I sang some R Kelly last night in the hopes of turning him on. It seemed to have the opposite effect.
I did a provocative dance. Too bad I did it to the tune of a Disney song while the children were in the room (but not looking, mind you!)
I drank a few beers to "loosen up". Apparently, alcohol does not make me appear as graceful and attractive as I always thought it did.
I decided to forgo shaving my legs because it would take away from our precious alone time. Cactus-y man-stuble on your legs=not sexy.
The sexiest sleepwear I own is a pair of light-blue, cotton shorts printed with cutes stars and moons, matched up with an old, holey t-shirt. Yum.
*Sigh*.
I'm hopeless.
But not for long. I'm shaving my legs next week. And then it's ON like Donkey Kong. 9月14日 Stealing Ideas and Going to Heaven I'm admitting right up front that I've semi-stolen this idea from the Barnyard, but since I have changed things around, I'm pretty sure I get to keep my get-out-of-jail-free card.
So, here's the original synopsis: Surreal moments in your life in which you felt like you could conquer anything. Here's the Toni-twist: Surreal moments in my life that I would pick to be my own personal heaven, which in my mind is like a Ground-hog day of your choosing. I hope that makes sense to somebody out there.
I love that my "surreal moments" are not the huge milestones one would normally choose to be experienced over and over again for an eternity--i.e. a wedding day, the birth of a child...you get the picture. This list is short, but I can think of at least a million of these "little" moments.
Rather a Lot to Think AboutNothing important to report on, other than what's going on with the TV that I watch:
Oh. That's the end of my must-see TV. I pretty much skip all the shows I'm supposed to be watching in order to keep up with the modern world and instead go for classic, no-fail pleasers like The Simpsons, King of the Hill, South Park, and The Jeff Corwin Experience (man, I'd love to experience Mr. Corwin. He's adorable!). I just haven't been able to get into Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, or, God forbid, Dancing with the Stars. No offense to all you guys out there that do watch and like these shows. I'm an odd bird. 9月10日 The Danger Zone If you thought I was scary on a lawn mower, you should see me with a needle. I'm hand-sewing a comforter for Mia, and I just stabbed myself in the mouth by attempting what I suppose is a sewing pro's trick--holding sharp things between your teeth while you tie knots, use scissors, and other dangerous sewing activities. Whew! I can't think straight.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. But by the time 10:00 rolled around, I was passed out with a migraine on Mia's cozy toddler bed. I slowly woke up to the family sounds coming from the living room. They were lovely:
(Soundtrack to the next several minutes: The obnoxious theme song to "Milo and Otis".)
MIA: "I hungraaaay!"
CALEB: "Why don't you have some chips? Chips and cheese?"
MIA: "No, I don't waaant chips...okay! Mia will have chips."
CHEYENNE: "Gonna take a walk out-side today, gonna see what we can fi-ind today..."
(BACKGROUND): Crash! Bam! Clatter! Shriek! Bark!
Oh...good times, good times.
Not much at all has been going on this weekend. Yesterday we dug holes, mowed grass, filled in holes. I worked on Mia's blanket, painted words like "Happy" and "Princess" on her wall...and...no, that's really it. My friend Casey called me and described how her new baby crapped all over himself, her, and the Dillard's bathroom the other day on their first trip to the mall. It gave me a nice chuckle. I don't know why, but it delights me to hear about the exciting and dirty escapades of a first time mom... 9月5日 Tales From the Sleep-Deprived House of Toni I read an article today about children and their wonderful sleeping habits. Imagine my "surprise" to see the headline reading "Toddlers and Preschoolers: Just When You Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse" over the section about kids Mia's age. Great. No light at the end of the tunnel here.
Switching from a crib to a toddler bed was a good idea--in theory. In reality, Mia's constant getting up out of bed whenever she damn well pleases is just not working for me. I'm soooo tired. What happened to the angel baby who would smile contentedly when laid in the crib and drift off to dreamland on her own? Now I'm logging close to an hour a night just laying uncomfortably by the side of her fabulous princess bed while she fights sleep tooth and nail.
And here's the worst part: ever since she was born, Mia is comforted by twirling my hair. If the child has a fistful of my hair, she is quiet and calm and eventually lulled to sleep. Logic would tell us to get her a doll with lovely blonde hair as a substitute, but the truth is, we're all afraid of dolls around here. Deathly afraid.
Cheyenne in particular is so scared, we've had to force several beautiful porcelain dolls given to her by well-meaning relatives into hiding--in a box within a box tucked away in the corner of the attic. Although, my thought is if the dolls are in fact killer dolls, no rubber-maid prison will hold them.
But I get off track.
I'm tired. 9月3日 Early Nesting? I did a bad, bad thing this weekend.
No, not that.
I painted over Mia's mural. I painted her entire room pink.
I had a partner in crime--my husband, Caleb, who yesterday was on a mission to build Mia a little window seat, which turned into a toddler bed, which turned into a real crafty-princess-y toddler bed, which gave me the idea to change up the room completely, which required a nice thick coat of pink paint, which kept us busy right up until 1:00 a.m. Mia absolutely loved the changes this morning--"Aw, it's so cozy!" she proclaimed when we presented it to her.
So, we've been busy this weekend. Next project--Cheyenne's room.
I don't know why we're all of the sudden going through a remodeling streak. Maybe we're going through a pre-nesting nesting phase. Hey, it could happen.
Caleb is extremely proud of the bed, and I must say, I'm proud of him for coming up with the idea and designing it, picking out colors and trim and putting it together--the basic shape took him no more than 30 minutes to build. The rest we've just sort of painted and added on through out the day as we thought of it. We're having a great time.
So, gone are the bright-colored fish. What to put up now? Princesses in castles? Bunnies and mice, Beatrix Potter-style? The possibilities are endless.
Now if only I can convince Caleb to let me use the rest of the "strawberry mousse" paint for our bathroom. 9月1日 Babies on the Brain So. Lots of exciting updates for the friends and family circuit--but only one in particular that I can really remember right at this very moment. My friend Casey S. had her baby about 4 days ago! Early! 6 lbs, 11 oz., 16 hours of labor, 2 and a half hours of pushing...good times, good times. She sent me pictures of the little critter--and truly he is one of the most beautiful newborns I have ever seen. (Not like the big, stupid monkey babies my husband seems to encounter)--such tiny features, a head full of wavy blonde hair. I can't wait to see him.
More importantly, I can't wait to see Casey as a mom. This lovely lady was the one waitress in the cafe that we worked at together who would do anything to NOT deal with the kids that came in. She would trade tables whenever a high chair was involved, and she rolled her eyes a the sound of a baby's squeal. She never wanted children and didn't understand why anyone else would either.
But it was destiny that I would get knocked up right around the time her husband was trying to talk her into mommy-hood. I think she was close to caving when they visited me in the hospital. She told me that holding Mia and seeing her little silver newborn eyes sealed the deal for her--I'm not sure if that's completely true, but either way--she and her husband set out to have their family and now, here we are, 2 years and one adorable little boy later. Congratulations to Casey, Phil, and baby Brandon. I'll see you guys in October.
On the home front, baby-wise, we're obviously still fine-tuning our craft. Preparations are underway. Caleb and I (heatedly) discuss the matter of girls names often:
ME: "I'll let you name the next dog we get if you let me pick the girl's name."
HIM: "Like hell. I'll name the girl and the next dog."
ME: "Oh, come on. I'm so over names like Mary and Lucy. I've got only cool names on my list."
HIM: "Yeah, right. Why the change of heart all the sudden?"
ME: "Because I knew that it would be over your dead body before I was allowed to pick a name like that. So I came up all new ones."
HIM: "Like what?"
ME: "Oh, like 'Keely' and 'Chloe' or perhaps 'Brighton'."
HIM: "Those are horrible. I hate all of them."
ME: "I have one more ace up my sleeve--how about 'Laila'?"
HIM: "Blech."
ME: "You're impossible. I hate you. What stupid names are you thinking of?"
HIM: "Only boys' names. We're not having another girl."
ME: "What about the family curse? No one in my family has boys. Ever."
HIM: "That's crap...but for some reason I'm stuck on the name 'Liz'."
ME: " 'Liz'??? Are you kidding me? It's so common! Why that name?"
HIM: "I don't know. But it's better than 'Matilda' or 'Marianne' or whatever kind of bullshit name you had in mind."
I'm thinking that we should maybe become more skilled in the art of compromising before we get too good at conception. Have a great weekend everyone. |
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