FIGHTING INSANITY: 2006年6月

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6月30日

A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF A BAD BLOGGER

I've become a lazy blogger recently. I can't help it--the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the bike is calling my name...

I've also had a few important things on my calender to take care of, believe it or not. I had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday, which went extremely well. Looks like the medication has put me on the fast track to sanity--the doctor was not the least bit surprised with my quick turn-around, and said that it often happens that way when one's brain chemicals are really out of whack.

So I'm a Lexapro-popper now.

Today we will be picking Cheyenne up from camp. I haven't heard from her all week--not even a letter! So I'm more than ready to see her. I don't know if I can handle this again. I hope she had a good time.

Mia has enjoyed the attention while SISSAAAAY's been gone. She's been living it up in Cheyenne's room, laying in Cheyenne's cozy bed, watching Cheyenne's Mermaid movie (Aquamarine)...But she's certainly ready for the girl to get back home, telling me over and over that she's going to "give sissy BIIIIG HUG!" whenever we pick her up.

I talked to my sisters this week--one's getting married in October to a fabulous man, and the other is "taking a break" from her robotic, un-emotional boyfriend. The engaged one and I got to talking about the seperated one's paused relationship and then it got me thinking about my own relationship with my husband. Here are a list of wonderful things he has said to me this week:

"You have the coordination of a drunk, gimp cat." In response to my "I have the coordination of a cat." Does this man know me, or does this man know me?
"That other baby in the resteraunt looked like a big stupid monkey." Actually, he says this about almost every baby other than his own, only sometimes he substitutes big stupid monkey with "troll", or "ugly potato"...
"Would you like some beer to go with your tent, my princess?" This was his loving question to me an hour after I had mentioned my deepest desire to build the mother of all tents out of blankets and chairs and spend the night in it. I had forgotten the comment entirely and went to take a shower. When I got out, there he was, ready and waiting to build my dream tent and hang out with me on the floor, messed up back and all. We ate and drank and watched Fun With Dick and Jane before falling asleep in our living room-hideout. Sure, he bailed at about 5:00 a.m, but he gave it what he had.

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6月26日

ZARDOZ

I know it's been a few days. But believe it or not, I'm not still hungover. I've just been exceptionally busy watching bad movies and waiting for my birds to squeeze each other out of the nest. Oh, and DRIVING CHEYENNE TO SUMMER CAMP FAR, FAR AWAY.

But, before I get into that, I feel compelled to tell you all, or warn you, rather, about this movie:

"ZARDOZ"

Circa 1974. Sean Connery. Sporting a long, black ponytail and tight red panties and a sash. It's not pretty. Even the unlimited boobage does not make up for how...just plain bad...and wierd...this movie is. I am beyond scarred.

What made me watch the thing in its entireity? My husband. He was entranced by the floating stone head that said "Guns are good" in the beginning of the film, and refused to change the channel. I watched, in horror, for the most part. I wish I could better describe it--perhaps the words "STAY AWAY FROM THIS MOVIE" will suffice...

Yesterday, I made the 3-hour-backwoods-po-dunk drive to Granite, Oklahoma, to drop Cheyenne off at a Girl Scout camp where she'll be staying until Friday. It looked like a pretty nice place--the cabins were cute--there were horses...but before I could even get so much as a good-bye tear in the kids were whisked off to the pool for a swimming test. I didn't even get to hug the girl! She didn't seem to mind, but I was about to die--especially when a bewildered Mia started screaming, "Sissy? Sissy! SissAAAAAAAY!"

Talk about breaking a heart.

I'm sure she's having a blast--I say this with as much confidence as a parent who cannot communicate with her daughter can...they're not allowed to call home, and the mail...well, it takes a few days of course. I keep wondering how she slept, what all they've done, is she drinking enough water, is she constipated?...The weather's been nice, so I know she's not totally boiling in those non-electric, non-air conditioned bunks...but I'm still worried about the constipation thing. I'm glad she never reads these blogs.

Caleb has officially thrown his back out. He had to stay home yesterday after moaning all night long--I don't know exactly what did it, but I suspect it had something to do with the birthday festivities...

Anyway, I've been massaging, icing, medicating...he's pretty much parked his crippled butt on the couch the past couple days, and has hobbled around a precious little bit with the aid of a back brace. I feel sorry for him--it kills him to have to sit still, and now it kills him to move. The poor man.

Our birds have exploded into balls of gray feathers--I can see them easily now without the aid of a stepladder since they no longer fit down into the nest. There are officially five of them, and each day they get a little bigger--I am betting that here before the end of the week, I will find at least one of them splattered all over the front porch. It's just inevitable.

Well, that's the news according to me. I'll try to read some later on in the week if I'm not too distraught about my missing-in-action kid. Thanks for the Happy Birthday wishes!

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6月23日

Guess What Day It Is?

Happy Birthday Me!

I'm officially 26 today, and so far, it's been an awesome age to be. I slept until 8:03 a.m., was treated to a scrumptious breakfast of donuts, pancakes, strawberries, and pineapple, recieved a total of 4 Birthday phone calls, gotten a shower AND a nap.

And now, what you've all been waiting for: THE PRESENT COUNT.

A bike.
A seat and helmet for Mia.
A movie.
A cd.
A huge leather purse.
Nicole Ritchie sunglasses.
2 shirts.
A pair of pants.
Cash.
Flowers.
A sweet offer from Cheyenne to watch Mia so I can do what I want today. I graciously turned it down, but the thought was nice.

I've officially made out. And now I will go to enjoy the rest of my day--you guys do the same!

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6月22日

More Birthday Bruhaha

Perhaps I need to explain. The Week of Toni began Sunday, June 18th, and will continue on through Saturday, June 24th, with a climax on Friday, June 23rd, the 26th anniversary of my birth. I hope that cleared things up a bit.

I also feel the need to have you know I am having to share my special day with two other people you should check out: Freckled Sasha and Texas Girl Jenn. I won't reveal their age on my site, but nevertheless, I can't be a total June 23rd hog, so I'm giving them birthday props. There. Now that's done.

For those of you who are baffled by my birthday enthusiasm, know this: I am baffled by your birthday un-enthusiasm. Why? Why, I ask, do you dread the most wonderful, self-important day of the year? I have to know. And the older you become, the more important you are--I really believe that. I will now enchant you with a few charming anecdotes about the wonderful women in my family.

My Great-Grandma: This lady amazes me. Here the woman is, ninety-some-odd years old, and STILL LIVING ALONE. Granted, she did stop driving herself all over town a few years back, but she's as independant as ever. She delights in pushing a buggy through the local K-Mart, and orders a bourbon and water with a steak whenever she goes to a resteraunt (I think she enjoys shocking the waitress). This woman is truly my idol.
My Grammy: I like her attitude. After seventy+ years of having birthdays, this woman can drop hints like no other, by way of, oh, e-mailing her wish list to everyone a good 2 weeks ahead of time. I must take notes from this one.
My Mommy: She groans and complains a little bit whenever the big day rolls around, but deep down, I think she looks foward to her birthday, even if all she gets is a few cards and a paid day off from work. She looks freakin' fabulous for her age and has the boundless energy of a hyper-active 2-year-old.

I have no special plans for Friday--if by special one means dinner and a movie or clubbing with friends. But I still intend on having the best 26th birthday a girl with a fabulous husband, 2 sweet, adorable little girls, 3 rowdy dogs, and a far-off-town full of family and friends can have. This will probably include:

a handmade card or two
a bacon and pancake breakfast for four
no dish duty!!!
a trek through the woods
phone calls from friends and family
a dance party in the living room, courtesy of Cheyenne's Crazy Frog cd.
a hot bubble bath with or without Caleb
a slapstick comedy
an early bedtime that does not neccessarily include sleep
LOTS OF HAPPY FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY COMMENTS FROM YOU GUYS!

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6月21日

ENTERING DAY 4

According to my calculations, we are exactly 39.5 hours from the official start of the Day of Toni. That's a little under 2 days, people.

Now that we have business out of the way, let us move on to a less important, but just as interesting, matter--our birds.

If you'll recall, there have been birds, barn swallows to be exact, living it up in a love nest made entirely of mud and straw in the front entry way of our home. I've been keeping my eye on them, and 2 days ago, to my surprise and delight, I discovered their miracle--babies! Their dream had been realized.

And then, to my horror and disgust, I watched the mother upchuck bugs into their teeny little beaks. Ah, nature and all its splendor!

They grow so fast. In the beginning, they were just wide open mouths without a head, and yesterday, cute little tufts of fluff topped those mouths. Today, they'll probably have eyes, and tomorrow, they'll be jumping out of their nest to their doom on the cement stoop 12 feet below...like I said, nature...

I've permanently placed a stepladder by the front door so I can peek at the little guys every 5 minutes. Their parents don't appreciate that much, but I figure it's the closest thing to rent I'm gonna get from them.

Speaking of nature, my husband caught a fiesty little sheila of a garter snake that had been chilling underneath a planter right next to our back porch. He grabbed it by the tail a'la crocodile hunter, and then chopped its head off with a hoe a'la serial killer. I took pictures of the whole ordeal, so those will go up sometime soon.

We left the 3 foot dead thing over in the side yard. It is now covered with flies and ants.

Maybe they'll make a movie called "Snakes in a Backyard" about us...

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6月19日

LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN

Well, I couldn't write about it as I owed my dad his own special Father's Day entry, but yesterday officially kicked off

TONI'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION WEEK

Yes, that's right. Week. What--What.

On June 23rd, at the stroke of approximately 12:31 p.m., I, Toni, will be 26 YEARS OLD. And it will be the hour of Toni. And all the world will be abuzz with joy and delight, and no one was ever sad or hungry. And angels in pretty pink dresses sang, they sang songs of praise, praise to the newly-26 Toni on high...

For those of you who weren't aware, the best day of the year is fast approaching. I expect no less than a humongous congratu-freakin'-lations from all of you. I've already gotten a brand new pink and white bike, compliments of my husband. In addition to this bike, though not neccessarily meant to be my presents, I've recieved a seat to put on the back of my bike for Mia to ride in, and a helmet for Mia to wear. This has so far been the best gift. I have already ridden (rode?) the bike with Mia in tow twice, once yesterday afternoon, and again this morning. I find it to be quite satisfactory.

Know this: I am not ashamed of getting older. In fact, I would like to get rid of the "aging" label once and for all, replacing it with words like "evolving", "growing"...and hopefully in my case, "getting much, much smarter."

Birthdays are great. I don't care how old I get. This is my day, damnit, my day. Get me pancakes. Buy me a bike. Pick me a flower. Tell me I'm pretty. Sing me a song. But most importantly, get me pancakes.

Seriously, I love having birthdays. If I was to start hating them just because I was one step closer to 30, or 40, or whatever God gives me the luxury of turning, how would I view the rest of my life? Would I dread it, too? No. Not me. Especially now that I'm taking normal pills. My life is going to be a big fat hunka birthday cake from here on out.

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6月18日

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Happy Father's Day to everyone that is a dad...Here's a list in honor of mine.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY DAD:

His patience--You won't find a more patient person. Not many men can live in a house full of women and keep their sanity...wait. Maybe that explains why my dad acts so goofy sometimes.
His quirkiness--Star Trek. An obsession with Chinese resteraunts. Riding his bike down a busy road without a helmet in the blazing hot sun for hours. Ahh. That's my dad.
His lectures--This could generate a whole other entry...or two. My dad gives me and my sisters lectures. Long ones. Sort of like the dad on the "American Pie" movies. I have most of them memorized, and now that I'm older, I find they contain some real pearls of wisdom. The other day, he gave me the mother of all pep-talks. I love listening to him. I wish I had done it more when I was younger.
Our talks--Entirely different from lectures. When my dad opens up and tells me about his childhood, or his time in the military, it's very special to me. I remember one day Caleb asked him about the Gulf War. His eyes lit up and he ran to the attic to get his prized possessions--pictures, medals...we spent almost 2 hours hearing stories--truly interesting ones--from my dad. I saw a different side of him. It was pretty cool.
His...I don't know what to call it--My dad grew up the oldest of four children. His mother was deaf and his dad wasn't the greatest of role models, to put it nicely. I can only imagine what growing up must have been like for him. And yet, he has managed to overcome and is now quite possibly the best dad in the world.
His weak spots--I think all of our pets throughout the years were strays that my dad said would never be allowed in our house. Whatever. He ended up loving those animals more than anyone else in the family. The softy.
His birthday--4th of July is great, but it's even better when there's a birthday party complete with a Boston Creme Pie to enjoy before the fireworks.
His caring--Oh, how this man loves to help people. Anyone, anytime, anyplace. He's got your back, whether he knows what he's doing or not.
Everything--You know, I'm finding that one single list doesn't begin to do justice to the man that adopted me, raised me, and loved me all my life. I feel stupid for even trying to describe him. In my mind, my dad has no faults--the man could do no wrong. He's smart. He's gentle. He's funny. He's supportive. He's devoted (still married to my mommy after28 years), and to me, he's one of the greatest men that ever lived...

The end--I love you, Dad.

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6月15日

I CAME. I SAW. I CLAMMED UP.

Thank God for Caleb. I honestly don't know what I'd do without that man.

I went to the doctor today, although the entire 30 minute drive there was spent trying to convince my husband that it was not a neccessary trip. I felt so good today, maybe a little jittery, but that was just nervousness.

When we finally had our face-to-face time (after the customary pee-in-the-cup ritual) with the man, he asked point blank:

"So, what can we do for you?"

I DON'T KNOW, DOC. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME.

"I've spoken to your ob/gyn doctor. The symptoms you discussed with her--are you still having them?"

YOU'VE SPOKEN TO MY GYNECOLOGIST? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

"Has there ever been a time when your husband says you're not right?"

And this is when my knight in shining armor pipes up, "Do you mean, has there ever been a time when she is right? No."

My sweetheart.

I had to bust out my trusty list of problems in order to remember everything I wanted to say, but I got through it, and by the time I did, the doctor was ready.

"I'm not so sure about the manic depression. I think what we have here is more a case of depression with anxiety. I'd like you to try this medicine that should put you on an even keel--and I'll see you in 2 weeks."

YOU'VE SPOKEN TO MY GYNECOLOGIST?

Okay, that was the very boiled down version. We asked 2 million questions, reviewed all the facts plus some obscure possibilities. The doctor was extremely thorough. He ordered blood work, went over all the options, and came up with a gameplan as far as future treatment went. Overall, I felt pretty satisfied with the appointment.

Depression and anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety? I'm going to be trying a little something called Lexapro (sp?). Apparently it's all the rage among people such as myself, and it's (of course!) said to be very helpful in treating symptoms of depression. I'm told I will feel a difference in my mood within 7-10 days, with the full effects of the drug kicking in after about a month. A pill full of goodness and love once a day, every day, for as long as it's helping. Great. In theory, I should be able to easily wean myself off of it when we're ready to get pregnant, but I was hoping I could only take it long enough to get me out of this funk, and then prevent another "episode" entirely with diet and exercise, journals, yoga and all that stupid bullsh*t...

I know, I know. It's just a thought. I can't stand that I need medication (expensive medication at that) for something so seemingly ridiculous (in my mind) as ANXIETY. I don't even understand what that means. Anxiety from what? How? When did I develop this? The depression, I understand...sort of. I'm weepy and tired and unmotivated. Textbook depression, right? Easily accepted. Guess I better do some more research.

I will be writing about this more, I'm sure, in weeks to come, but hopefully I can tone it down a little, at least to where my mom's not calling me everyday and making sure I'm not going to murder something or drown in my own tears. The poor woman. I tried to make her understand that I'm just venting--yes, I do feel this way, but no, I'm not going to skip an appointment or act on any of the crazy thoughts that run through my head. They're just thoughts. But you know moms...She's a wonderful woman.

With everyone's comments and all the phone calls and e-mails I've been getting, I feel just showered with love and attention. It does make me feel pretty damn good, just so everyone knows that their kind words and thoughts and prayers are not in vain. It's no cure, but it's nice to know you care. Really nice.

I will try to make it around to everybody--I'll check out some spaces, e-mail my friends, and call my family. I'll be a good girl. I'll stay connected. I won't let myself drop again. And I'll try to write some cheerful crap everyonce in awhile. Thanks to everyone, especially my family, and most importantly, to my Caleb, who puts up with me and tries his darndest to keep me where I need to be.

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6月14日

SOMEBODY SLAP ME!

I hate to do this.

I hate to write another entry about my moodiness and my inability to control it.

Last night was the worst. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think--yet my thoughts were racing...at a pace so fast I couldn't focus in on any particular one. This morning I have an incredible headache from attempting to process the things that flew through my brain...I finally drifted off around 3:00 a.m...and I'm surprisingly not a bit sleepy now, 4 hours later. Just tense as hell.

It is literally a fight for me to stay calm these days. I would say 80% of the time, I'm struggling--hard--not to fly off the handle...not to show my anger, sometimes my rage, my pessimism...but I know that it manages to seep through my happy face. I just don't know if the kids notice. Lord know the dogs do.

Caleb is out of town for now. I'm glad. He needs a break from me. I dread the thought of him coming back tonight and seeing me like this...or rather, experiencing me like this.

Last night, Cheyenne had a game. I didn't go--her coach took her. I had the baby as my excuse--we wouldn't have gotten back until 11:00, and Mia couldn't possibly make it that late, right? The truth is, I still can't stand being around people...especially lots of people that I don't know. I was practically choking thinking about everyone that would be at that field. I don't want to go to the store. I don't want to leave the house.

And I certainly don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow--the mean, old man who will ask me all kinds of questions that will make my head spin and my eyes tear up, who will look at me funny, yet treat me with fake sympathy, while in his head I'm sure will think I'm either a serious nut job, or a serious liar. He'll notice the humongous zit on my face and laugh on the inside at me.

And then he will tell me that it's not wise for a wacko like me to have anymore kids, that I would surely loose it, and that he wants me to take some kind of medication that will turn me into a robot...he'll tell me there's no possible way I can get through this without it. He'll ignore my theory of a hormone problem, or even a thyroid problem, and send me straight to a psychologist who will look at me the same, disapproving way, and who will charge me a whole lot more money.

So why bother?

Thank God that Caleb is supposed to come with me, otherwise, I probably would skip it, and end up driving around the city for an hour so Caleb would think that I did go. The thought has crossed my mind to ask him to stay home so I could do just that.

I feel like this right now. Perhaps in half an hour, I will have totally changed my mind, and I will be happy and positive and bright and shining and ready for the new day and all it has to offer.

Or, I might come crashing down entirely and sob loudly on the couch for the rest of the day, or until I fall asleep. That's highly likely, too.

AAAUUUUGGGHHH! I can't stand myself right now.

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6月13日

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...

ALRIGHT ALREADY. I'm finally getting around to slapping down the tag that Mikey so generously bestowed upon me a few weeks ago. Thank you for that, you tootsbusted fool.

I just want you people to know that it has taken me literally FOREVER to read through ya'll's spaces. But it was worth it.

Here goes: MY VERSION OF THE PERFECT LOVA:

HE must be strong. LIKE BULL. It's not that I'm into looks--You could be a leprechaun for all I care, but he that aims to please me must pass the power-bomb test. Can you pick me up? Can you throw me on the bed like a sack of potatoes? That's all I really need.
HE would ideally be FLEXIBLE--up for anything, anywhere, anytime. Morning, noon, and night. And sometimes right before dinner. And right after. And then again a few hours later.
HE is a total ROMANTIC. By this I mean, not only will he put forth the thought and effort into a relationship/ sexual rendevous (i.e. candles, roses, wine...) he will find the romance in everyday things, like sharing the last tomato with me, or watching a beautiful sunset on the top of a hill while picking stickers out of my foot with tweezers because I was too stupid to put shoes on while chasing after the dogs. You know, stuff like that.
HE has to LAUGH. Hard. A lot. With me, at me, at himself. He will appreciate all types of humor including, but not limited to, sarcasm, goofiness, silliness, raunchiness, childishness...the list goes on and on. If I pop in Bad Santa, or Old School, or SpiceWorld, he must have tears rolling down his cheeks. Find the humor and own it, bub.
HE is GENTLE. To me, to children, to animals. He will be as close to freakin' Saint Francis as he can get without crossing the line into sissy-boy.
HE is TOUGH, when he needs to be. He's not scrappy per se, but if he had to stick up for his family, he'd totallly be able to channel his inner Tony Montana.
HE has one helluva SEXY VOICE. Oh. My. God. Nothing makes me melt like the sound of a deep voice...and nothing makes my skin crawl more than a horrible, high-pitched nasal squeal coming from guy. On the phone, face to face, in bed or out, the sound of my perfect lover's voice better make me go weak in the knees.
HE is helplessly, hopelessly, 100% PASSIONATELY IN LOVE with me, and vice-versa. The kind of love that makes your tummy hurt--no, not butterflies. I'm talking real stomach cramps. That's hard-core love right there. The kind of love where every song you hear, you think about the other person, even if it's Chef's "Chocolate Salty Balls". The kind of love where you can't picture life with anyone, and I mean ANYONE, else, and the very thought of it makes you want to go stick your head in an oven. The kind of love where the possibility of the other person being unhappy for one moment brings tears to your eyes. The kind of love that stays strong...even when you don't realize it, even when it doesn't feel like it...it's still there, and deep down, you know it always will be.

Anyone who wants this tag is welcome to have it. Rules: something about 8 things, perfect lover...toss in somewhere male or female...pass it along to a few other folks...There. I feel...satisfied.

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6月11日

Weekend Recap

Ack! You people and your comments. Making me cry. Not cool.

Seriously, thanks so much for all the kind words. I'm a total schmuck for not visiting other spaces in a while--I just cannot seem to find the time lately. I will one day this week try to sit down and do some reading. I'm only writing this right here just so people don't think I've fallen off the face of the earth, or gone off the deep end...completely.

A quick update:

Cheyenne--We finished our book. We had to stop a few times due to the fact that we couldn't read through our tears, but we finished. And it was worth it. She'll be going to summer camp in about 2 weeks for 5 long days. We have a lot of shopping to do before then.
Mia--Has been sooooo whiny lately. I hate to say this, but it probably has something to do with my mood, plus the hustle and bustle of the past 2 weeks. I'm hoping over the next few days, things will calm down and we can get back to her quiet little routine.
Caleb--It's been interesting. As supportive as he is of me, I think he's having a tough time dealing with my attitude. I can't put my finger on why exactly I think that. I can just feel it.
Me--I'm on and off. I'm mad, then I'm tired, and then I'm mad again. Once in a while, I'm me. I haven't been able to make that follow-up appointment yet, but by walking and drinking lots of ice water, I've kept somewhat calm...somewhat.
The Birds--They're cute. The mom sits in the nest and the dad sits on the ledge next to it and watches over her. And they won't let us near our front door.
Our Company--Departed yesterday from OKC and has been stuck in Dallas for the past 24 hours. I don't understand it. But they're not happy campers.

We've all been a little bummed out since they left. Friday was the best day ever--we all went down to Turner Falls Park, about an hour south of where we are, and hiked all through the mountains, swam by a waterfall, and picnic-ed under a shady tree by a babbling brook...I came back with a beautiful rose-red tint to my skin, while everyone else was colored a perfect golden brown.

And now, I will write a little something for the woman who broke my heart when she left...

Dear Sam,

How dare you leave me? Who will slap me when I need to come back down to Earth? Who will entertain me when I'm feeling bored and lonely? Who will fix my car? Change Mia's diapers? Vacuum the entire house? Train my dogs? Plug up a nosebleed? Be my shopping buddy?

I don't think you realize how hard life is without a Sam. Everyone should get one. Jason is a lucky man. If you would leave him and come be my wife, you would experience nothing but bliss for the rest of your days.

You are incredible. You amaze me. I admire so much your energy, your spunk, your know-how, your power, your courage, and your boobs. No, really. They're insane.

Never let anyone make you feel anything less than the wonderful person you are. Even if this as close to real-live sisters-in-law as we're gonna get, I will always, always count you as one of my best friends. Hope you had a great time while you were up here. Enjoy the beach for me.

Love, Toni

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6月7日

Bringin' My A-Game Again

Oh, wow. Have I really been "gone" this long?

Thank you to everyone who left the super-nice and supportive comments and e-mails. I honestly didn't mean to be such a drama-queen about this. I've been bringing my "A" GAME since Sunday--systems are running at 100%...whatever it is systems run. In other words, I'm back to normal.

Going to the doctor did indeed help, even if she did cringe as I explained my symptoms.

"Not likely just a hormone problem," Doc says. "In fact--you might not like to hear this--but what it sounds like is manic depression."

Huh? Depression? Surely you jest.

"It happens more commonly in men than in women, but usually when women...blah blah blah blah blah blah..."

Just what did you mean by MANIC, Doc?

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. It is, in fact, something most likely beyond your control. There are medications....blah blah blah yada yada yada..."

Medi-what? ME? Are you talking about me? What do I have to be freaking depressed about? My life is F*CKING FABULOUS, do you hear me? FABULOUS. Besides. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. in order to get a shower and shave my legs, among other things, and you are not even looking at my crotch. I mean, the least you could do is ask me to get naked and give me a pretty floral sheet to drape over myself.

"I'm going to refer you to this great doctor...something about birth control pills to regulate your periods...you'll feel a little better..."

Birth-control pills? What happened to trying to get pregnant? Does that automatically go out the window when one has these sort of problems? And why the heck did I not think to ask these things while I was actually at the office?

The rest is sort of a blur. I was in and out in a matter of minutes, which for me, is really something, because everytime I've been to the woman this year it's been a major event. But I guess the point was made, and now I'm off to see someone who knows a little more about it...I'm a little disappointed that it's not a quick hormone-fix. I don't like to think that--dare I even say it again?--I could be...depressed. Not like there's anything wrong with that, but...me?

Oh, well. In keeping with the new (or should I say old?) calm and happy me, I'm switching to a more upbeat subject. I would like to announce that, for the first time in seven months...(drumroll please)...I went to dinner, with my husband...

WITHOUT THE KIDS.

Without. The kids.

Sweet Jesus. Thank you for this miracle. Thank you for our company, my brother-in-law and his excellent girlfriend, who kept an eye on our precious little handfuls while we enjoyed steak, lobster, salmon, shrimp, and even a few tasty beverages! Excitement! Joy! Rapture! Heaven!

And that's the news according to me. I'm off to see what everyone else has been up to...at least, I'm going to try. I've got adult guests I've practically ignored all but these last 3 days. Oops...

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6月4日

Not So Much Today.

Whoa!

Sorry to overwhelm anyone with sadness there on that last one. I'm a little better today. I don't know what helped.

I talked with Caleb. I have an appointment Monday with my doctor to see if this isn't just a simple hormone problem--and I have a feeling it is.

It's not like I'm sad about any one thing--in fact, I'm not really sad at all. Just TENSE. Like when you're so mad you can't even stand yourself, except minus the mad. And for some reason, I'm fine around the kids. They seem to have no effect on my...state.

I've been in such a bad mood that I've completely funkdafied my guests--now they're mopey and tired as well. This afternoon, we're all going to a ballgame in the city, and hopefully that'll cheer everyone up.

Hope everyone else is having a super-figgity fantastic weekend!

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6月3日

Fighting Insanity, For Real.

It's so beautiful outside today.

I should be out on the back porch, or taking Mia for a walk, or playing catch with Cheyenne.

I should be cleaning the bathrooms, folding clothes, or vacuuming.

I should really brush my teeth and get dressed.

I don't think I'll be doing any of that.

This is a pretty personal thing to write...but I didn't name my space FIGHTING INSANITY just because it sounded funny. I come from a long, biological line of crazy people, and, sometimes, I truly feel that's what my brain is constantly doing--fighting off insanity, just trying not to go crazy.

The last several weeks have been hell--on Caleb...and of course, the dogs. (See? There's a smile!) I can't shake this funk--and honestly, "funk" is fast becoming an inaccurate description of what I'm going through. I'm not myself. I can't concentrate. I'm extremely short-tempered. I'm weepy. I'm tired. I'm unmotivated. I'm unsatisfied. I don't care about anything. I'm mean, and I know it.

I'm sure my poor husband feels like he got a lemon of a wife. I don't know how to stop...being the way I am being. I'm just so dad-gum sad--for no reason. I have everything to be happy about. Case in point:

Our company has been here for almost a week. So far, they have successfully mended both the cars, bought a whole bunch of cool stuff for everyone, cooked, cleaned, won over the kids, the dogs...We've gone for walks in the woods, played in the mud, the list goes on and on. I CAN'T HANDLE PEOPLE. The second night they were here, I had to fake a stomach ache and go to bed early because I was practically hyper-ventilating...Why? I have no clue.

Caleb--that sweet, sweet man--brings home beautiful flowers for me everyweek. He does more than his share of housework. He takes care of the girls. He keeps an eye on the dogs. He even bought me these really great shelves to put my art supplies on. But I am absolutely horrendous to him. No matter what he does, or says, or buys...I find the one, tiny, negative thing in the situation and I hold onto it...tight.

This sort of thing has been happening on and off for the last 2 years or so...never has it been this intense.

I can't stop crying.

I can't stop feeling angry.

I can't stop being tired.

I know there's a million things I could do to improve my mood. But at this point, I don't care. I don't want to. I'm awful.

I thought it would feel better to write about it, but it's not working.

Mia's sleeping. I think I'm going to go take a nap.

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6月1日

TONI 101

I'm still a little short on time, as well as ideas, these days, but I thought I'd repost my Top 100 from back in January...Enjoy, and have a great weekend.

100 THINGS ABOUT ME...(because you just can't get enough.)

1. I am not sure I can make it to 100.

2. I can be somewhat of a space cadet.

3. I have 3 dogs--two of them I asked for, one I just got without asking.

4. This is why I think I must be losing my mind.

5. I get deep enjoyment from children's cartoons.

6. I was an Airforce Brat, and proud of it.

7. I love to paint and draw in obnoxiously bright colors.

8. My dad got me started running in the seventh grade.

9. I really only liked it at first because it was something we did together.

10. I wore braces for 3 and a half years.

11. The same years, I had these horrid pink plastic glasses that were too big for my face, along with bad skin and frizzy hair.

12. Surprisingly, I was never bullied or picked on as a child.

13. I have never bullied or picked on anyone else.

14. I once had a long, tearful, and ultimately fatal battle with a South American Chicken Spider that was lurking in Mia's closet. After 2 hours I trapped it under a pot and left it there for one week for Caleb to dispose of.

15. Sometimes, I exaggerate.

16. I am the extreme opposite of a pack-rat. I throw everything away.

17. I have 2 little sisters.

18. My real name is Antoinette. (Why God, why?)

19. My parents are still married.

20. I think it would be so awesome to live in the trees, like the Ewoks.

21. I shamelessly threw myself at a gay man for over a month.

22. My gaydar sucks. Hard.

23. I can't hold a grudge. I just don't care that much for that long.

24. I can remember every outfit I ever wore on every date with Caleb, but I can't remember when to pay which bills.

25. I lost 60 pounds in the year 2001.

26. I've gained close to half of it back since then.

27. I am currently on a diet.

28. I just ate chocolate cake for lunch.

29. I scare easily.

30. I have mad useless-trivia skills.

31. I can be absent-minded.

32. It took me 3 years to get a 2 year degree.

33. I love, love, LOVE girly things.

34. I was a total tomboy as a child.

35. I used to tell my mom I was going to a friend's house, and then go hiking in the woods for hours by myself.

36. I still love hiking in the woods.

37. My grandfather was the founder/owner/whatever of Tony's Pizza.

38. I manage to make big messes wherever I go.

39. I love art. Love. Art. Love it.

40. Through art school, I always felt like Britney Spears in a Marilyn Manson world.

41. I have a bad coke habit. Nothing like 72 oz a day of high fructose corn syrup and caffeine. I've been soda-sober since Jan 1, 2006.

42. My parents put the fear of God in me when it came to drugs and alcohol.

43. They forgot to mention sex.

44. I got pregnant the first time I ever had sex.

45. I had my baby a month before my 16th birthday.

46. I had more help than anyone in that situation could possibly have.

47. Had I not had a baby, I probably would've gotten into worse trouble.

48. The night I met my husband, I was at the club and on the PROWL. He was my prey.

49. Apparently, so was he, and so was I.

50. I didn't believe in love at first sight or the whole "soulmate" thing until I met him.

51. I honestly think my life is perfect.

52. I secretly love my dogs.

53. I have a bad temper.

54. I am not at all logical.

55. I have a notebook full of "houseplans" that I drew since the 3rd grade.

56. I've always wished I could be an architect.

57. I am horrible at math. I stopped being able to help Cheyenne with her math homework last year.

58. I love to make lists. Stupid lists. About anything.

59. I am fascinated when I see my name on a list. Any list.

60. I have an extremely low tolerance for alcohol.

61. I think that's what attracted Caleb to me.

62. Or it could have been my boob falling out of my shirt the night we met....

63. Sometimes I don't pay attention. To anything.

64. When I'm not paying attention, I'm thinking about a joke. Or a movie. Or aliens.

65. I always, always have a song running through my head.

66. Right now, it's "You are the sun, you are the rain..."

67. "whoa....whoa...whooooaaaaa....".

68. I love to laugh. I'll laugh at anything, anytime, anywhere.

69. I actually liked the movie "Bad Santa".

70. I feel bad for liking it.

71. I love listening to my dad's stories about his time in the first Gulf War.

72. I love listening to stories about my parents' childhoods.

73. My biological mother was my aunt. She died a few months ago.

74. I tracked down and met my biological father when I was 19.

75. It was one of the most awesome things in the world to see someone who looked like me.

76. One night in the mountains, Caleb and I fed a billion roast marshmellows to a group of hungry racoons...we didn't see them the next night.

77. Sometimes I can be insensitive.

78. Sometimes I can be overly sensitive.

79. I was downright mean to my littlest sister.

80. I really admire both of my sisters.

81. I think my mom is the most wonderful woman in the world.

82. I want to have 4 kids.

83. I have 2 girls already.

84. There is 8 years' difference between them.

85. I was unknowingly part of a plot to steal an original Picasso on a spring break cruise to the Bahamas.

86. I found out over 1 year later when my "friends" were arrested.

87. I am permanently banned from Carnival Cruise Lines.

88. I think that's pretty cool.

89. I've been pulled over more times than I can count, but I've never been given a ticket. Suckers.

90. I believe if you're pretty but drive a P.O.S. car, cops will like you, and have sympathy on you. If you're pretty and drive a nice car, they will think you're just a spoiled brat. You can't have both.

91. I no longer think I'm pretty.

92. I think I'm F*CKING GAWGEOUS.

93. I was born in Pensacola.

94. I spent the first year of my life in the hospital.

95. I was adopted when I was 1.

96. Whitney Houston's "I wanna Dance with Somebody" is my JAM.

97. It has taken me almost 5 days to write this entire thing. I'm that easily distracted.

98. I would leave my Christmas tree up year round if I could.

99. I would love to have my own stationary/gift shop one day.

100.I'm pretty sure #67 doesn't count, so here's one more:

101.The most ideal place to live for me would be Guntersville, Alabama, right on the lake and in between the mountains, where I could hike and fish and have campfires all the time.

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