1. I enjoy a good peanut butter-and-sprinkles sandwich.
2. I use scribble-stix in the shower.
3. I head straight for the toy department when I enter any store.
4. I no longer use the restroom. I go potty.
5. There's only one "Steve" on television.
6. And he ranks high on my list of CILFs. (Celebrities I'd like to...)
7. That list also includes a few cartoon characters.
8. I can often be heard singing tunes from "Follow That Bird".
9. I would rather listen to these songs than any music on the radio.
10. Mia's room is my favorite room of the house.
11. I will play with a ladybug for hours.
12. My idea of a goodnight's sleep is waking up only 3 times between midnight and 6:00 a.m.
13. I am a lean, mean, block-tower-building machine.
14. My snack of choice is animal crackers.
15. I have colored my toenails with a fat purple marker.
16. Superman would kill for my sense of hearing.
17. It is not unusual for me to sport a temporary tatoo of Elmo.
18. I am not afraid to wear slippers to the grocery store.....what?
19. On our anniversary, my husband and I chose to see a kids' movie.
20. I can do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, with one hand.

1. IT ALL STARTED WHEN Smokey would not leave my side. Or, more accurately, would not get out from under me. I dealt with the chewed-up carpet with grace and dignity. I handled the little yellow puddle he left by the backdoor calmly and quietly. But it was his constantly being underfoot that sent me into a fit of rage this afternoon.
2. I SPIRALED DOWNWARD from there, grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and practically tossing him out the door into the garage, yelling at the top of my lungs, "I wish I never got you!", thus scarring him for life, and teaching him bad grammar at the same time.
3. MY TANTRUM CONTINUED inside the house where I tripped over Shadow, who was a mountain in the middle of the kitchen where I was trying to cook dinner. "Get out of here! And stop breathing!" I knew I was just being mean at that point.
4. THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK, and Darcy knew better than to come within 10 feet of me. She wisely ran and hid under Cheyenne's bed. "And stay there!" I screamed at her, just for good measure, right before I started to bawl like a baby.
5. I CAME BACK DOWN TO EARTH when I turned around and saw Mia, standing in the corner of the room looking scared and unsure. Here I was, her pillar of strength, crumbling. Nothing upsets like an upset parent, and Mia switched from her normal whine (which I had tuned out just to get through the day) to this small, pitiful voice, "Mommy...hug?"

   Nothing will put you in your place like a 1 year old with tears brimming in her big brown eyes. I feel plain evil. I know I don't handle stress well, I know my limits, and I knew it was just a matter of time before I went psycho on the dogs, but to do it right in front of my kid...what kind of mother am I? It's one thing for her to see me a tad upset; it's an entirely different thing to witness the ultimate wrath of me--if it strikes fear into the heart of my big manly husband, than I know it freaked out the baby.

   I'm sure Caleb will read this and be horrified at the way I treated our precious pets. It is doubtful he will ever feel comfortable enough with my mental stability to leave me alone with our daughters again. (And baby, for the record, when I yelled at Shadow to "Stop breathing"--I didn't mean "Die!", I just meant "Stop breathing SO HARD.") And after reading a few of the comments from yesterday's blog, I'm positive that some of you will shake your heads and wonder what in the hell a woman like me is doing with so many animals in the first place...and I'd have to say I'm totally with you in thinking it.

   I spent all evening trying to make ammends with every offended family member, going so far as to give the dogs a quick bath--they hated it, I hated it--everybody's happy...or, not happy. I took a million deep breaths when Smokey knocked a bowl of dogfood out of my hands and onto the ground, and I brushed Shadow for a good hour. We're all even now.

   I gave extra special attention to Mia, so that she would see me as her Rock of Gibraltar once again instead of the stark-raving lunatic I became right before her very eyes. My, how the mighty have fallen.

1. THE DRIVE: Cool. It was short enough to be bearable with the kids, but long enough to be enjoyable for us grown-ups. I loved watching the landscape change as the hours went by--gently rolling hills of farmland and clumps of trees gave way to huge wide open fields of nothing but wheat, speckled with cows as far as the eye could see, followed by what can only be described as the oddest place I've ever been--flat land full of squatty, vivid-green mesquite trees, looking almost desert-y at times...rocky soil, sprawling cactus, prickly grasses...and Mistle-toe! The most unusual thing we saw on the way down was a herd of camel outside one of the tiny towns on a back road--what an unexpected surprise!
2. THE RELATIVES: Now, being from Pensacola/Mobile, I've met some rednecks. I've even met hillbillies during my stay in West Virginia. But these Texas people were just straight-up country--just like on the movies! I was a little nervous about meeting them, and that melted after about, oh, 2 MINUTES of being there. Caleb's grandma, his aunt and his uncle were so sweet and fun and plain kind-hearted--they never had anything bad to say about anything or anybody, at least not around me. I don't know why, but I expected them all to be stuffy, old-fashioned, close-minded, "church-going" snickety old people--they were exactly the opposite.
3. THE DOG:  My husband, the dog whisperer, spent half the weekend trying to charm this old, scared-to-death-of-people, shaggy, black dog his aunt and uncle had on their property. After 2 days, he was able to do what no one had ever done before: a) approach the dog, b) pet the dog gently with 2 hands, and c) vigorously rub the dog's ears. He was obsessed and kept talking about that sweet little animal even after we got home, saying "I bet I could've gotten that dog to sit in my lap if I had just one more day..." (This is how we get so many damn dogs around here--he's a major dog-lover, and I'm a sucker for cute, fluffy puppies.)
4. THE PLACE: We stayed in a spare room at his grandma's, which just so happened to be an old barn that his aunt and uncle had converted into a house just for her, and it was smack dab in the middle of their wheat field. How cool is that? Their house was right next door, and if I was about 10 years old, I would've been playing hide-and-seek the whole time, because this place had secret rooms and a basement with a half-finished tunnel--which immediately placed Aunt and Uncle as COOLEST PEOPLE EVER in my book.
5. THE FOOD: I ate so much down-home country cooking this weekend that I probably could skip meals for the rest of the week and still be fat and happy. That Aunt had me in the kitchen learning all kinds of fancy cooking tricks and shortcuts, all the while making fun of her husband, who struck me as the most hilarious, adorable old man I've ever met. We stopped at McDonald's on the way back up to Oklahoma, which I considered a huge treat in itself--it's been so long since I had a greasy, flacid little cheeseburger...I truly love those things. And best of all, Caleb did, indeed, carry the princess cooler--about 10 feet from the house to the car, but he had the strap of the pink thing over his shoulder nonetheless. Wish I'd had gotten a picture of it.

   And for anyone who's wondering, I don't have the mumps. I've concluded the swollen bump that was on the side of my face must have been from the good slam I gave it the other day when I opened the door on my own head. (Yeah, that's okay. I still don't understand how that actually happened either.)

SHE'S OKAY!

1. The movies--to help people better understand what frame of mind I am in most of the time.
2. The people I live with--so I don't have to explain...not that I ever explained before, but at least I won't have to worry about it now.
3. MSN spaces to see--this is so I won't forget the cool spaces that I've visited. I love to read and I love to read these, and I thought other people might want to also.
4. The people I know in real life--this has always been on my page, making it easier to keep up with all the people far away from me that I love. Not all of them are MSN spaces, but you may want to check them out anyway.

   Tomorrow I am going on a trip to TEXAS!!! Yea, Texas. The whole family, minus the dogs, will be truckin' south about 4 hours to visit Caleb's grandma for the first time ever. I am excited about this trip for several reasons:

1. I've never been to the Northwest Part of Texas. I'm looking foward to the drive.
2. I've never met Caleb's grandma, and the last time he saw her was when he was 5. I've heard she's a nice lady. This should be interesting.
3. NO DOGS--not that I hate our precious pets or anything, but geez. I've come dangerously close to beating the hell out of them about 50 times this week, and I desperately need a break. Dogs, meet the kennel. Kennel, say hello to the dogs.
4. I am getting out of the house (insert heavenly choir of angels here). This gives me a solid excuse for wearing something besides ratty old clothes. I may attempt to wear a little make-up...if I remember how to apply it correctly. Maybe I should pick up a Cosmo to read in the car.
5. Most importantly, I will finally have an opportunity to use my most prized new possession--A fabulous pink and black cooler tote I got at Target not too long ago. This little baby caught my eye back in January, and when my mom sent me a gift card for Easter, I decided to make it mine once and for all. I did not consult Caleb before the purchase--it was one of those things I knew he would not approve of, or at the very least would suggest buying it in a different color, like "please-shoot-me-navy-blue" or "uber-manly-forest-green". Well listen up, punk. MY gift card, MY choice. And I choose pink. That's right--PINK. Deal with it. Get over it. Embrace it. Love it. Fear it. When you live in a house full of girly-girls, it's best to just smile and nod and carry the heavy bubble-gum-princess-pink cooler for us.

1. Arrangements, agreements and understandings. Now we all know where we stand--and we have a game plan for future visits and any problems that might pop up along the way. Big weight off my chest.
2. A sort-of new appreciation for my ex. I am honestly impressed and surprised with the ways he has changed and grown up. I believe his intentions are the best and most sincere that they've ever been. And I actually think he has a pretty good chance of being able to walk the walk this time.
3. A crazy-huge admiration for my husband. God, this man can do no wrong in my eyes. I have never seen him so calm and patient and fair as I did during the course of this very emotionally-charged discussion...he reminded me of my dad--and that, friends, is a very good thing.

   Now my stomach is starting to feel wierd. It's probably just the paranoia setting in, but I could be wrong. I'm going to go hang out by the toilet.

• Egg Dying with Mia: Kept her from drinking the colored vinegar water. Tried to keep her from painting on everything. Couldn't keep her from touching--for two days now she's been walking around looking like she took a bath in a porto-potty (I can't get rid of the BLUE!), and we have a very interesting collection of Easter eggs this year.
• Hiding Eggs: Unusually hot outside. 34 sticky eggs. You would think with a back yard as void of plants and grass as ours is that an easter egg "hunt" would be impossible. Not so, with my husband. He's pretty creative, and Cheyenne got frustrated and threw a fit. Went inside after only 2 rounds of fun.
• Easter Breakfast: Pancakes, bacon, eggs, and fruit. 3 hungry dogs. A smoke-filled house. A man and wife on the edge. A toddler with an appetite and a 10 year old with an attitude. What more is there to life?
• An Easter Drive in the Country: Prairie Dogs, buffalo, wierd-looking mutant chickens, and freakishly tall, emancipated white cows--I was hoping for sweet lambs and baby bunnies. It was only 5 minutes down the highway, but felt like another planet. Ah, there's nothing like cruising through the backwoods (or plains with few scrubby trees) of Oklahoma on a sunny Easter Sunday.

   All in all, we had a pretty good weekend, and when I look back at these past few days years and years from now, I know I will laugh, because I already am.

• A tiny, white pebble
• A tootsie-roll pop wrapper with an Indian on it.
• A pink purse with bamboo handles.
• A picture from Chuck-E-Cheese.
• A broken yo-yo ball.

Mia

• A popsicle stick.
• A silver paper clip.
• A plastic, naked baby-doll.
• A new pair of sandals with daisies on them.
• A chewed-up board book about a prissy pig.

Me

• A good night's sleep.
• A kiss on the cheek.
• A hot cup of coffee in the morning.
• A bowl of fresh strawberries.
• A bouquet of flowers every Friday.
• A gorgeous sunset.
• A clear starry night.
• A cool breeze.

Caleb

• A lawnmower's roar.
• A comfy couch.
• A good conversation with a good friend.
• A cuddly dog.
• A nice, cold, tasty beverage.
• A back massage.
• A country drive.
• A few hours extra sleep in the morning.

   Come to think of it, I can appreciate a smooth, white pebble just as much as any nine-year old.

• How is it that buckling that miserable excuse for a seat belt on the buggy (an overly long fat shoelace attached to a plastic piece of crap) takes me a good 10 minutes, yet in an instant she has it undone and is standing up in the seat?
• Why, why, why, why, why does she scream "Mommy! Carry!" until she's blue in the face, only to jump right out of my arms the second I pick her up?
• I honestly think she's not only going through her terrible two's a little early, but perhaps her teen years as well, because she does not want me to be any less than 5 feet behind her...any closer, and she gets this look of rage upon her face, whirls around to stare me straight in the eye, and shouts "NO!" while holding her hand out, as if to say "Stop right where you are! Don't come any closer!"
• I am not allowed to shop. Not allowed to pick up any item, not allowed to put it in the cart. When I am caught even looking at something on a shelf, I am dealt with accordingly.
• I don't care what the stupid little drawing says on the blue plastic seat of the buggy--I will most certainly allow my child to ride in the cart, standing up if needs be. I will walk and turn corners as slowly and as precisely as I can. It's better than giving into her screaming desire to actually push the huge thing...something I've only attempted once in order to calm her down for 2 minutes.
• If by some miracle I manage to get her to actually STAY in the cart rather than running around through the aisles at the speed of light, I am in fact resigning myself to coming home with horribly squashed bread, opened boxes of food, and a broken something-or-other. I don't care. I just want to get out of there. 
• I know I can't be the only person in that place to ever have a child act up in a grocery store. But instead of a kind look, or even a chuckle under their breath, all the old people of the world feel inclined to stare, shake their heads, and walk away. Honestly. I've tried ignoring her. I've tried reasoning. I've tried distracting. I've tried speaking very sternly and I've even tried threatening. Sometimes, like today, none of those things work. And I will not, WILL NOT give my 1 year old a "good old-fashioned spanking" right there in the middle of the aisle only to have her cry harder and scream louder. I suppose these people would sleep better at night if I had publicly beat my daughter, but I just don't care--it's not gonna happen.

   Hooooooooboy. I feel a little better. Now I just have to figure out how to survive without food or diapers until Caleb gets home.

1. Scribble Stix--These little babies have enabled me to get fully clean in the shower while Mia busily scribbles away on the tile beside me. It comes right off with the swipe of a wash cloth. Wicked awesome.
2. Wonder Pets--This is what I call Nickelodeon's answer to Disney's Little Einsteins--it's 10 times more adorable and 10 times less annoying. Give me live talking animals dressed up in crazy little outfits saving cute things over 4 stupid children in an unimaginative red rocket anyday.
3. Philly Swirl Popsicles--Only 10 calories and no sugar...they're horrible and I, myself, would never eat them, but Mia thinks they're gold--it keeps her entertained and it doesn't rowl her up. You can't go wrong.
4. A dog--This is a touchy subject for me. While they get on my ever-lovin' nerves, Mia loves the crap out of all 3 of our dogs. And they love the crap right out of her. It's so touching that our oldest one, Shadow, goes to check on her in her crib right before she lays down for the night, or that Darcy, who is still very much a rowdy puppy, will lay and take anything that Mia dishes out (i.e. pokes to the eye, getting the living daylights squeezed out of her when Mia jumps on her...)
5. A big sister--Cheyenne is simply a Godsend when it comes to how much help she gives me with Mia. And I can't tell you how much Mia loves her and looks up to her. And she gives me someone to have a somewhat intelligent conversation with. (I say somewhat intelligent only because this is me we're talking about.)