Motherhood.

It's not all it's cracked up to be--for some.

 

But today, in a "profession" where traditionally you don't see much in the way of encouragement or recognition--no pats on the back and certainly no paycheck--today, motherhood put a smile on my face.

 

I don't know if it was the gorgeous weather or the fact that I had let her sip actual Coke at lunch, but Mia was in a very loving mood. And everything I did was right.

 

"Mom--you're cleaning my shoes! What a good girl you are!"

"I love the way you fold my clothes, Mom! Great Job!"

"This sandwich is delicious! You made a perfect lunch for a little girl like me! Thanks, Mom!"

 

She said that stuff to me, word for word. I shit you not.

 

These moments are happy moments. We have a lot of these around my house. Being a stay-at-home mom has really allowed me to mellow out and enjoy my daughters. Yet for the longest time, I struggled against it. It's not like I was missing out on some big career--how much could a starving artist possibly make? And it's not like I hadn't done it before, when Cheyenne was little. But somewhere along the line, (probably when I was in the third grade and had big dreams of being a glamourous career woman in a city somewhere) the idea got into my head that I could never be completely happy while I was "stuck" at home with kids. That I needed to be out and about, making money and meeting people.

 

It's not like I've sat around the last two years with Mia thinking, "This sucks." No. I think the thought of going back to work or school as soon as Mia was old enough was just always in the back of my mind--that my "real life" would magically start as soon as Mia turned a certain age...what age that was I can't be too sure.

 

No, I haven't been hating house-wife life. It's just that I've quietly come to accept, maybe even embrace, the way things are.

 

I love my kids. I love being the one to get Mia's hugs and kisses while she's still young enough to give them freely. I love being around during the day to catch her doing funky dances and singing silly songs in her tiny voice. I love being home to sign the permission slips and hear about how excited Cheyenne is about her upcoming field trip. I love our girl talk--talk that might not happen if I worked all the time and was too tired to have such long conversations at night when I got home.

 

Motherhood. I can't come up with a single thing I have more of a passion for. And I think I'm getting good at this.

 

   I  YOGA BOOTY BALLET.

 

   So far.

   I've tried just about all the videos included with the set, I've used the squishy ball and the stretchy band and I've ommmed and ahhhhed, and of course, stirred the pot. And I love it. For anyone interested in an exercise that doesn't feel like exercise at all, this is it. I have so much fun and I feel extremely energized...and loose, not stiff and achy. And dare I say, strong? No. Maybe not strong...just...good.

   The only drawback to this program is that I have to do it only when Caleb leaves the house. There are more than a few moves and dances that I just know I'd get made fun of, so weekends are out, unless Caleb makes a trip to Lowe's or something.

 

   Which he did, Saturday--he went to Lowe's and bought a tiller. He bought a tiller and tilled our garden spot, when the winds were steady at 30 miles an hour, with more-than-occasional gusts at 50+ miles an hour. He was out there, tillin' away.

 

   Moron.

 

   Just kidding, hun.

   At least we have a nice place to slap down some plants now. I can't believe how well that thing worked--I thought for sure we'd have blades flying off as soon as they hit that rock-hard red ground...but no.

 

   The thought of having fresh vegetables at the end of the summer makes me almost as happy as the thought of my MOM coming to visit me at the end of April--for a week or so, first to hang out with me, and then to babysit my kids while Caleb and I head to a wedding down in Florida. I CAN'T WAIT. It's all I can think about, her coming up, seeing the house (even though she's already seen it) meeting my dogs...I'm so taking her to Turner Falls, downtown Oklahoma City--art galleries, antique stores, shops, cafes...it's going to be great.

 

   Cheyenne is doing great these days--Little Miss Fashion, that's for sure. Everyday she plans her outfit for the next--tights, skirts, shoes, shirts, jacket, purse, bracelet, necklace and earrings...she even coordinates the color of her lipgloss with her clothes. It's so cute. The other day her friend got her to go outside and be a tomboy for an hour--they practiced softball, something I haven't been able to get her to do, even though it's that time of year again. March will officially kick off softball season, and she's decided to play for the same team this year. A plus to that will be having her very best friend on the team...and it'll be a little easier since it's not her first year...if she puts the effort into it. I'd love to see her really get into softball, or any sport, but I won't push it--not much, anyways.

   Mia is absolutely crazy lately--her imagination is unbelievable. I could listen to her play for hours. She's the most entertaining person I know. She's so active, and happy, and so totally affectionate and sweet...this is a truly wonderful age, and I'm loving every minute. Even if I don't get any sleep at night.

   I saw a bunny today. It was hopping across the road, all fluffy and brown and small and cute...Mia went nuts.

   Guess what I was doing at the particular moment I saw this bunny?

 

   Riding...my...sweet...pink bike!

 

   Honest. It's warm enough. By far.

   We've been getting treated to 65 degree plus temperatures so far this week and it looks to continue on through the weekend, even if a little rain is scheduled to come along with it.

   I've been out and about, bike riding obviously, and also piddling around in the mudhole we call a garden at the front of the house. I ripped out all the dead mums and clonched up the soil...I built new red dirt walls around the pansy beds, and I got rid of all the mildewy dead leaves so the flowers could actually grow.

   I really don't know if what I did was right, but I did the same thing last year and our mums grew back with a vengence. I hope the pansies do the same, even though I don't really care for them. Maybe it's just the name; "pansy" has always signaled, to me, something that sucks...that can't last. Lame little flower! Why couldn't we plant something cool like a banana tree?

 

   I spring cleaned the entire house yesterday. I finally got all the gunk off our shower door--it's actually glass, clear glass, that you can see through; I had forgotten that. I owe it all to this marvelous, toxic and burning liquid cleaner called Scrub-Free mixed with Lime-Away. I recommend opening every window in the house along with a few doors, turning on fans and vents and working in 3 second intervals while holding your breath and closing your eyes, and then taking about a five minute break anywhere but inside. Also make sure your dogs and children are kept outdoors during this time.

 

   I'm trying a new exercise video set called "Yoga Booty Ballet". It claims to work every muscle in your body without making you look like a man, and getting you to channel your funky inner ballerina...plus all that yoga crap they do. I absolutely hate that and end up skipping to the ballet section, which I stick with for all of 3.2 minutes, because ballet is hard, and then I flip right over to the booty dancing part. That's definitely more my style. I don't mind bumpin and grindin my way to fitness. I lost 60 pounds in 6 months by booty dancing once (4 hours a night, 4 nights a week) and I figure this exercise system is as close to that scenario as I'll be getting. Any instructor that encourages me to "stir that pot" is okay in my book.

 

   Well, it's flippin' beautiful outside. Think I'll take a nice shower behind the privacy of my extremely see-through door, pack up a sandwich or two and go have a picnic in the front yard near our mud bed. Everyone enjoy the rest of the day.

   Thank you to all that gave advice on torturing...er, locking up...um...getting a toddler to sleep in her own bed at night without "wandering" around.

   I may eventually try the gate thing. It's going to take awhile to build up the nerve.

   For now, Mia has settled into the routine of falling asleep, quite easily now I might add, in her room, in a bed that she has finally come to describe as cozy--cozy is good. She passes out around 8:30, and then, at about midnight, when she used to call and cry and carry on from the doorway of her room, she simply pitter-pats her way down the hall and silently slips in bed beside me. Without a word. Just gets up like "Oh. What am I doing here?" and then "Do-dee-do-dee-doo" across the tile, dragging her bear, in the dark...to my room. I'm usually only vaguely aware of what goes down; I'm pretty sure that's the way it's happened the last 3 or 4 nights. I've been sleeping awful good.

 

   We've had some wonderful weather the past several days--cold and windy, yes--but sunny and a tiny bit warm if you're standing on a certain side of the house and in the sunshine. The train ride to Ft. Worth was a lot of fun; we got to know the people in our neighborhood a little better than I think we expected to--it was a Mardi Gras train ride full of canned pina coladas and hurricanes in a bottle...beads and hotdogs...good times, good times. Only the hurricanes tasted like Robitussen so most of us ended up drinking common Bud Light. The folks without small children got a little more carried away with the spirit of Mardi Gras than Caleb and I did, so we had some entertainment on the ride back. Ft. Worth seemed like a pretty neato city. We definitely want to make it back down one day, by car so we have more time, to sight see and shop and eat and shop some more.

 

   Cheyenne's room has become my own personal painting playground. I am having a lovely time in there and am in no real hurry to finish up. With Mia's mural I rushed a little towards the end to finish by the time my parents visited. There were a few parts I either didn't like or needed to go back over and never did; that will not happen with Cheyenne's mural. I will like it; I will like everything about it, and I will never look at it and wish I did something differently, or start to hate the thing entirely and paint over it completely. Not this time. A big change has been switching from interior wall paint to those little tubes of craft paint you get at Walmart--if only I had tried those sooner. Next time around; we'll see. I'll take pictures of it in all its finished glory later on down the road.

 

   Hope everyone had a great weekend--February is almost over! Enjoy these last few weeks of winter!

   No, I didn't shave my head bald. And I never dyed my hair black, either. I don't know what's gotten into the poor girl; her Toni-stalkers are obviously on vacation. She's always copying my 'do; apparently now she's copying my psychotic tendencies...only she's about a year late with the mental breakdown. Let's watch and see if in a week she sports a new shoulder length brown wig; then I'll know to shut my blinds again.

   Never, ever, ever wash Smokey alone. Ever. I'd rather bathe a rabid elephant.

   And I think I have a concussion.

   This week has certainly come and gone fast--and so has all the chocolate we got just days ago.

   No, just kidding. There's still one or two pieces left.

   Somewhere.

 

   Today I've got major plans. I'm determined to get somewhere of significance on that mural in Cheyenne's room. The dogs WILL be bathed, and in turn, the bathroom WILL be cleaned afterward. I'm dead-set on sweeping and vacuuming and mopping...dusting and wiping and windex-ing...and somewhere in all this activity I will find time for a shower.

   Guess typing on the computer isn't really helping me reach my goals.

   On Sunday we're going down to Ft. Worth via The Heartland Express--a train that runs between OKC and Texas. Supposedly it's pretty sweet--I myself am going to be pretty easy to please since all I want out of the day is to travel by train--that in itself is cool enough for me.

   I've been trying this past week to get Mia to sleep in her own bed...in vain. She falls asleep there--a major accomplishment--but like clockwork, wakes up 2 hours later and plays mind games with me for 2 or 3 or even 4 or 5 hours...getting in and out of bed, calling "Hey...Mom?" down the hall, crying and whining until 4:00 a.m., when I finally give in. I've never seen such determination and persistance in a kid. Where does she get it from? How is she not tired? A sample night at our house, 1:00 a.m.

 

   "Hey...Mom? Mommy? Mooooommmmmmeeeeeeee?"

   "Uh." I get up.

   "I wanna sleep in your big bed," Mia says in the cutest voice ever.

   "No, sweetie. This is where you sleep. Do you want your music on?"

   "Yeah...you sleep here. I'll go to the big bed."

   "No. Lay down. Don't you like this nice bed Daddy made for you?"

   "No. It's not cozy."

   "Mia if you lay down you can have a cupcake in the morning--for breakfast. A cupcake for breakfast."

   "I CAN?"

   "Yes. You can. But you have to lay down first, and go to sleep."

   "Okay. I go lay down in your big bed. Go get my cupcake."

   "No, right here. Right here in Mia's room, in Mia's bed, is where you sleep."

   "Okay. Let's get my cupcake first."

 

   I realize that my bribing the child with sugary treats is not neccessarily the best tactic in the middle of the night...but I'm not in my right mind.

   I write all of this in the hopes that someone, who was dumb enough, like me, to let their children sleep with them in the first place, has advice to give on how in the world you get a 2 year old to sleep through the night, in their own bed. I'm desperate. Help. Need sleep.

So cold. So very cold.

I know that we in Oklahoma could have it a lot worse, and there are others across the country and all around the world dealing with lower temperatures and much, much more snow than I can even imagine right now.

But I can't take it anymore.

I'm ready for spring. I'm ready for grilled chicken and kiddie pools. I'm ready for green grass and wasps nests.

Okay, maybe not so much the wasps. But we do already have some birds scoping out the house on a stick Caleb built last year, and I think I saw a few fly by the mud thing in our entryway; Is it possible that the birds from last spring have come back to their warm weather home? I can't wait to spy on their babies again.

 

We did have somewhat busy weekend; no fighting, at least not with Caleb. I attempted to lift Cheyenne's spirits Saturday by treating us to long overdue haircuts, by the lady I usually go to--and that I'm usually happy with. Usually.

I'm semi-satisfied with my hair, but poor Cheyenne, who has been going through a somewhat emotional February, was utterly horrified with her new 'do. I personally think it looks fine; she cried all day and wondered how she could go to school looking so stupid.

 

I don't really know what to do for her anymore as far as getting her out of her miserable and ultra-sensitive state. Do I sympathize, humor her, play along? Or do I just tell her to suck it up, be a man, and rub some dirt on it?

 

Geez. I really don't remember being that crazy in the 5th grade.

 

Mia and I went today for a playdate at the indoor playground; I met a lady, and her 2-year old daughter, last week at the bookstore and we ended up exchanging numbers after an hour and a half long conversation about everything. I waited the customary 3 days to give her a call; and then I asked her out. Today went pretty well. All morning I felt like Cheyenne, wondering if my bangs looked dumb, wondering if my clothes were right...I think she liked me, and the kids got along okay, I guess, considering that they didn't really play with each other; they just ran around the playground in that toddler sort of daze, and if they happened to wind up side by side on the big plastic flower, well, they didn't push each other off--which is as close to best friends as you can get when you're 2.

 

But the lady--we had a lot in common. I thought about asking her out for a second date, but thought that might be too foward--I asked her to call me instead and we'd think of something to do. She got pretty excited and suggested a few really cool parks in the area if the weather was nice. I played it cool and told her to let me know when a good day was. Don't want to come off to eager; it turns 'em off, you know. So we'll see how this relationship develops.

   How odd is it that just the other day I read an entry on Texas Girl Jenn's site about awkwardness in middle school, only to read the following entry in (oops--I know I shouldn't) Cheyenne's diary:

 

   "The life sucks-o-meter has gotten extremely high. Not that today was bad (oh, but who am I kidding? It was terrible!) it's just that the worst thing happened: I overheard my crush talking to his friend about his GIRLFRIEND...grrrr. And then the stupidos at my table (my friends, actually) started teasing me about liking some other DORK-HOLE--and believe me, Baby D, I DO NOT LIKE THIS DORK-HOLE. And I don't lie, except to people I don't like or people who lie to me.

 

   What?

   So does the girl think she's ugly? I don't understand. How can she? How can anyone? I went through a period where I felt a little ugly...but I had the glasses and braces, frizzy hair, baby fat and pimples to back it up. I wasn't popular but I wasn't unpopular. I had fun with my friends, I had fun by myself.

   Cheyenne's a different story. She seems unhappy a lot of the time. She's sarcastic, skeptical, grouchy...easily upset, easily overwhelmed...and obviously very unsatisfied with her current social standing.

   I don't get it. She has the nice clothes that seem to be required for "fitting in"--from Limited Too, the most fabulous place for a fifth-grade girl to shop. She is tall, thin, and naturally tan. Her hair is long and silky. Her complexion is sickeningly beautiful. She's got a quick wit, I tell you. She's funny as hell and she makes straight A's.

   And who's this crush? I've never heard her mention ANY boy's name. I always wanted to be the kind of mom that she felt she could talk about that kind of stuff with me. Maybe we could even giggle together.

   Man.

   I'm finally working on the mural in her room--she's been asking for one since we moved in the house, and since she hasn't changed her mind on the theme in that year and a half, I've decided to get cracking. Cheyenne's room is well on its way to being her very own "island in the sun." Maybe waking up to a lovely beach scene will put a smile on her face in the morning...I can't help what happens at school.

   For inspiration, I've been checking out some muralists online. I was pretty much bored with all of them until I found this guy: Happy. His work is insane--and just taking a few peeks around his site really gave me mural fever...for the record I want to be this man when I grow up, and just do huge wacky murals for a living. I've got a long way to go.

February 7th

New Business First:

   My friend Nikki was in a car accident yesterday. I'm pretty sure she's okay; maybe just shaken up. So Nikki--consider this your warning: I'm calling her this week.

 

In Other News:

   Caleb and I are trying to decide what to do with our newfound wealth (tax return--yippee!) So far, most of its going to bills, some of it's going into savings, and the rest...we've narrowed it down to either a big screen TV or concrete...I think we're pretty set on the concrete though. (Get it? Set? Concrete? Ha! I kill me...)

   Ever since we moved in, we've had this wicked cool plan for our back porch. We've been talking about extending it out and covering it and one day screening it in. We spend a lot of time outside (after the bitter cold and before the intolerable heat) and would just love to have a sweet setup--bar, grill, tables, seating...and of course our swing. I can't wait to have dinner outside all the time. I can't wait to watch sunrises and sunsets from our swing. Mostly, I can't wait to have all that extra back porch for the dogs to rub most of the mud off of their paws before coming inside the house.

   I've also got plans for a little garden off to the side of the backyard. Don't laugh, guys! I'm serious. Carrots, squash, peppers, tomatoes...and okra! How cool would that be? And yes, I'm well aware that I have to water this thing. I've made sure the location of the garden allows for easy reach with the hose, compared to all the lovely places on the far end of the yard where Caleb tends to like to plant stuff.

   Hopefully we can get the sun to come out and stay out and warm things up a bit. We're set for an early spring; I'm more than ready. Yesterday it was almost 65 degrees--sheer heaven. Mia and I were in the backyard a lot, hoeing and tilling up the ground where grass doesn't grow; normally it's rock-hard and unbreakable, but since we've had all that ice and snow that's been slowly melting, that ground is pretty soft--we're taking full advantage.

   This has been a pretty boring post. Gardening? Weather? Tax Returns? What happened to dog puke and toddler cussing? I'd better get off the computer and go dig up some dirt. (Ha! Dig up dirt! Get it? I'm full of 'em today!)

  My husband and I had a major blow-out this weekend.

  I hate when it happens...I hate it even worse when it happens and you worry that it's the last time it'll ever happen.

  Yeah, it was that bad. I was this close to a month's "vacation" in Florida (crap! I should've let him stay mad!)... but don't worry, Dad. We're good now--or at the very least Caleb didn't have it in his heart to do that to you guys.

  I was utterly amazed at the effect a different perspective could have on a situation--I couldn't believe I was going down for something that I thought was minor, ridiculous even...I'm thinking "What's the big deal?", while from his point of view, the world had genuinely come to an end. It took a lot of discussion before I actually put myself in his shoes--and when I did I was immediately sorry--dreadfully, gut-wrenchingly sorry.

  I don't usually write about fights, or even tiffs, with my husband. But this one was a real eye opener, from beginning to end...and it changed a lot of things between us...mostly for the better.

  Lately I've been fixated on growth, change, forgiveness, making right, and moving on...this weekend I was the grasshopper and Caleb was the master. Up until now I've not been given the impression that those things were of utmost importance to him--I really am seeing him now as even more of a man than the hardcore-stand-firm-don't-back-down kind of guy I've always took him for...not that those qualities are bad in any way--in fact, they're some of the things I admire most about him. But today, even after all that fighting, even after I backed down and admitted to my wrongdoing--today, he apologized to me. He apologized--when I tossed and turned for the past 2 nights trying to come up with a way to make it up to him, to earn his respect again...he apologized.

   And that, to me...there are no words to describe it. Caleb might as well just literally glow, walk around in a beautiful rainbow of light all day long wherever he goes.

   There's nothing like a good, constructive fight. And things between us are back to normal--better than normal. I can just feel it.

   Merry Friday and Happy Weekend to everyone; just wanted to update real fast for my folks. Thanks for downloading the pictures. That's pretty cool considering I don't even have prints of any. I hope you have a great trip to Vero Beach. Relax and enjoy the drive. Enjoy that nice warm weather for me and send me some good Indian River County oranges...hold the grapefruit thank you very much.

 

   Mom--Mia's pooping real good these days. I thought we had a situation this morning, but the whole thing played out well by naptime. Thanks for all your advice. Now if you could just teach me how to keep my house as pristinely clean as yours is...all the time.

   Katie--get those applications in. I know you're aggrivated with having to fill them out and make up a bunch of B.S., but just wait until your interviews--those will be twice the fun. You must do this; I can't wait to tell people my flaky little sister became a pharmacist. Plus, our family needs a drug dealer. I'm proud of you.

   Jenny--I don't know where you guys stand on the big baby-making race, but you'd better get cracking, because we're close. I can feel it. We're working really hard towards our goal. And I know you'll be ticked off if I get knocked up for a third time before you even start in on your first. Happy Birthday to James; you guys celebrate well, okay? I miss you.

   Nikki--I can only assume you're back at home with your shaved dog and crazy husband. I saw pictures...they were good. You know, I got to thinking, and it's probably best I didn't get my family over to Arkansas to see you guys...I know somewhere in that house of your parents lurks a video...and that's never been good news for me.

  

   It's going to be a great Saturday and Sunday. I'm really looking foward to a few days full of sunshine...even if they come with, yet again, below freezing temperatures. Love ya'll.

   I'm so freaking sick of winter.

   My backyard looks like a frosted mini-wheat.

   I busted my butt earlier when I stepped outside on our sidewalk. At first glance it looked totally safe--TRICKERY! It's covered with a thin layer of invisible ice.

   I've got the heat cranked up to 70 degrees, but I'm still shivering.

   I'm going insane. For some reason I've had this incredible urge to ride my bike...for obvious reasons that's not going to happen. So I decided to get the blood flowing with a workout video. Taebo seemed to be a good choice, but I knew. I knew as soon as Billy Blanks popped on the screen that it was just a matter of time. Yep. I punched myself in the face.

   A few half-ass roundhouse kicks later, that video came out and I decided a nice hot bath would be a better alternative. I even used the jets...for two seconds before they started spraying water all over the bathroom. Why isn't I never seem to put enough water in the tub to prevent accidents like that?

   I lounged away for a little bit with Mia playing noisily beside me. I slipped again on the tile--my poor tailbone! Maybe it's just better if I curl up in bed for a while.

   I hope everyone everywhere is safe and sound and warm inside their homes...have a good day.