| Toni 的个人资料FIGHTING INSANITY照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
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2月28日 Chocolate, Manna from Heaven I am trying so hard right now to not want junk food. Just the mere mention of it set me off earlier, and the thought has latched itself onto my brain, sucking all the common sense I have in me and giving me in return only the need for sweets.
When it comes to junk food, I'm like Miranda on "Sex and The City". There's an episode where she made herself a Betty Crocker cake, threw it in the trash can, and poured dish soap all over the thing to keep from eating it.
Lent starts tomorrow, and Cheyenne and I have decided that we are giving up chocolate for 40 days and 40 nights. Jesus would want it that way. Maybe the idea of being deprived of the stuff for that long is the driving force behind my craving. Out of all the things to give up, chocolate is the ultimate sacrifice. I truly believe that with all my heart.
I was thinking about stopping at the store after picking Cheyenne up from school and buying one last chocolate treat for each of us. Is that too self indulgent? It would be our own little "Mardi Gras Celebration". The question is, what would I buy? Chocolate ice cream? A candy bar? Cookies? Pudding? A pie? A cake? I can't get a lot of any one thing, because we won't eat all of it, and it will be there tomorrow...calling our names. Happy Mardi Gras Happy Mardi Gras Everybody!
I am restarting my diet and exercise program after taking one cold and crazy week off. I didn't pig out on junk food during that time, but I sure as hell didn't exercise like I should have.
Sunday, of course, I took that walk through the woods. Yesterday I did some workout videos because of the wind...and the dogs. Caleb found an old tape he had, "The Firm", when he was cleaning out the closet the other day, so I busted that out along with an old Tae-bo tape of mind. Man, am I sore. My entire mid-section is killin' me, and it only took a 5-minute ab session with the "Firm" people to do it. That should give you some idea as to how out of shape I truly am. Yowza. The Tae-bo was much easier...but then I wasn't doing it right. Wasn't giving it my all. And I never once flashed a corny smile just like the people in the video were. I'm positive that is the source of my failure. I have the wrong attitude.
I hate videos. I have trouble keeping up, and I can never copy most of the moves, no matter how many times I rewind the tape. I feel like a complete idiot. And the "leader" always, ALWAYS gets on my damn nerves. Do they have to wear the clown make-up and obnoxiously bright-colored spandex leotards yanked half-way up their butts? Geez. Watching "The Firm" reminded me of soft-core porn, I swear. The background music is the key. Watch it--you'll see what I mean.
So today, I'm going to bundle up my kid and stick her in her monster stroller, and tackle the great outdoors. I can't stand another beautiful day stuck indoors watching beautiful people do not-so-beautiful things with their bodies urging me to do it, too. 2月27日 Pooping, Pictures and Paper Clips Today it is really windy outside. I'm getting a little freaked out at the sheer force of it. I can see our neighbor's lawn chairs blowing around in their yard like leaves. I'm waiting for their kids' trampoline to go...it's happened several times before.
The dogs are all going pyscho. Apparently the wind unnerves them as well. Either that, or they're not feeling so hot, after eating all things unimaginable yesterday. Ha! Serves them right! Warms my soul to think of what they will so painfully be pooping out later on today. I don't think they'll be puking it up--they would have done it by now.
Bad dogs.
My father-in-law left today, 5 minutes after my husband left, leaving me all alone...again. I hate being by myself but do enjoy the quiet time when the baby takes a nap and the dogs are sleeping.
I put up some more photos in the February and Christmas albums. I just realized how I always (unintentionally) paste a huge, cheesy smile on my face for every picture. What a nerd. I blame it on my parents, who took so many pictures of us posing in front of various monuments/places of interest all those years we travelled.
Mia is successfully wrecking everything here in Caleb's office. We now have 200 paper clips scattered all over the carpet. My, how they blend in. I'll never find them all. The dogs are getting antsy, sniffing all around, looking for something to rip to shreds. I just know it. I better go regulate. Enraged...again My plot to get my husband to walk in the woods with me was successful...except our "woods" aren't really woods at all. It's more like acres and acres of dirt dunes, with a few trees on the side. But there are no houses or golf holes built there yet, so I consider it "woods"...I know, I make no sense whatsoever.
The whole family went, including my father-in-law, who was visiting for the day, and we stayed gone for almost an hour, I guess, walking through those mini-hills of soft dirt. The weather was perfect--not a cloud in the sky, and just enough of a chill in the air to keep me from sweating...not that I mind sweating, but if I could exercise without doing it, I'd probably exercise a lot more, because sweating ultimately means showering, and showering can be difficult when you're holding a baby. Unless you want to wait until 10:00 at night to shower, and by that time I'm way too tired to care.
I'd like to take a moment to sing the praises of this stroller of Mia's that some friends of ours bought us when she was born. That thing is amazing. It's nicer than my car. Cup holders, a sunglasses holder, a food tray, a storage compartment, a rain shield...I'm surprised it doesn't have a built in DVD player. You can take it off-road. That bad boy is no joke...it's huge. Pushing it uphill through thick mud--easy. Pushing it through the mall, in and out of the cramped aisles between racks of clothes...not so easy. But it's not often that I do that anyway. I have used the crap out that beast of a stroller. I love it. I just hope it lasts us through the next kid.
Anyway, while we were gone, the f---ing dogs had gone on a destructive rampage, the worst one yet. They even got so bold as to grab a few things from the kitchen counter when they ran out of things to ruin in the living room. And I could swear the DVDs 6 feet off of the floor were in a different order before we left...I don't put anything past those horrid animals. Caleb punished the dogs by giving them a light swat on the butt and a kiss on the cheek. I was thinking more along the lines of finding a whip somewhere and screaming obscenities at them. I was really not sure how I felt about crating them up whenever we left the house before, but now, I'm ready to bind and gag and maybe even blindfold them in a dark room while I play Freddy Krueger's theme song somewhere in the background. Of course I would never do those things...don't go calling the Humane Society on me yet. I don't even have Freddy Krueger's theme song. Or do I?... 2月26日 Shish ka bob and the Ex Box My weekend has been totally fantabulous. Caleb has been home, the girls have been angels, and we've gotten so much done...but the thing that really put these last couple days over the top was SHISH-KA-BOB!
Yes, my husband cooked it for me Friday night after I casually mentioned what I felt like eating for dinner. I honestly didn't even want it, I was just fooling around, and certainly didn't expect him to run out and buy the supplies...but he did. My husband spoils me.
Yesterday, we got around to cleaning our closet. Actually, it was Caleb that did most of the cleaning, because my side was already neatly organized. We put a lot of stuff in the attic (Christmas decorations, old clothes, suitcases), but he also had about 5 huge boxes worth of trash. And he finally got rid of "the ex box"...not that he had been putting it off purposefully. He's a terrible pack rat. But I'll admit, something about him throwing it away made me feel really great. I threw most of my "ex stuff" away in no less than a month after the break up, and Caleb and I have been together for 4 and 1/2 years! (Although I did keep a lot of it in a box I'm saving for Cheyenne, just in case she's curious or sentimental.)
We also managed to hang all of Cheyenne's pictures and shelves, finally completing her room. She wants me to do a mural of the beach, but I'm really unsure about it because her interests change from one minute to the next lately. That, and there's no really empty wall for me to do it on. I have an idea to paint some things around the room instead of one whole big mural...like a hibiscus flower here, a surfboard there...I think that's the better option.
Well, now that it's warm and sunny again (as compared to last week's cold and icy), I am going to get the day started and see if we can't take a walk through the woods later on. There's this huge area of land where they're building a golf course, and there's all kinds of dirt paths, trees that haven't been cut down yet, and lots of hills. That is my idea of the perfect work-out. God knows I need one! 2月25日 Another One of Those...Blogthings. Very ridiculous, but so very fun to do.
***You Are a Strawberry Daiquiri***
You're a fun, playful drinker who loves to party. You may get totally wasted, but you're always a happy drunk! Questions I Have Alright. I want to know how everyone else has managed to put a song onto their space and why, no matter which buttons I press, or files I open, or programs I download, I can't make this happen. Somebody help.
Cheyenne and I have been reading one of her library books the past couple days, and it's actually really, really good. It's called Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry. I've picked it up and started reading ahead when she's not looking. It's about these girls living in Denmark during WWII, and one of them is Jewish...Cheyenne is sort of into that time of history these days...not in a weird obsessive way, but it seems like the last 3 or 4 books we read together have been about people of that era, dealing with life as it was at that time...I think when she found out The Diary of Anne Frank was a true story, it shocked her. Honestly it shocked me when I found out. To think that people were actually treated that way, that people would really do those types of things to other human beings...it's just beyond our comprehension.
I realize how spoiled me and my family are. Never do we have to deal with any kind of violence, or fear, or poverty, or sacrifice of any significance. We have always been shielded from anything truly bad or evil, and I just can't picture what it would be like for people who see those things on a day-to-day basis. It must destroy someone's soul...I feel bad sometimes for living in my happy little world, looking through my rose-colored glasses at everything, all day, everyday. I got so pissed off last week not being able to go anywhere with all this ice...when there are so many people in the world who would consider this place their heaven on Earth...plenty of food, warm clothes, a cozy fire...the freedom to do whatever they want, say whatever they want, watch/read whatever they want. Can you imagine?
2月22日 What My Birthdate MeansI did another blogthing to kill some time while we're stuck in the house...not too sure how right on this one is:
***Your Birthdate: June 23***
You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem. You're good at so much - you never know what to do. Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long. You are destined for a life of travel and fun. Your strength: Your likeability
Your weakness: You never feel satisfied
Your power color: Bright yellow
Your power symbol: Asterisk
Your power month: May
Today, not so much. My yard is one giant mudhole. The snow and ice have finally melted (THANK GOD!) , and the temperature outside has climbed to a sweltering 50 degrees! I have to give the dogs a thorough rub-down with an old towel everytime they go in and out the door, but that's a small price to pay for being able to actually go outside.
Only now, I'm in some kind of funk from the cold weather, the gray skies, and being cooped up and lonely for the last few days. I don't even want to go anywhere. I'm in such a lazy mood.
Mia has really been picking up on things lately. She surprised me today by saying "Ouch! Hot!" and pointing to the stovetop. Later on, we were playing with her barn and I asked her where her farmer was. She stopped, said "Oh!" and something else that sounded like "My room" and ran off. Sure enough, that sneaky little farmer was hiding somewhere in her room, and she came racing back to the play table with him, smiling like she was so proud of herself. My kid is so frickin' smart.
Cheyenne is beyond happy to be back in school and out of the house. I can't blame her. She has a lot going on this weekend--a girl scout function and softball practice, if they have it, which I'm sure they will now that the ice is gone.
Well, better jet. I hear Mia waking up from her nap. 2月21日 Get Ready, Cause Here I Come... My baby better watch out.
That hot husband of mine comes home TOMORROW NIGHT...I think.
Probably listen to some Kris Kross (yeah, I said it) to get myself in the mood...
And I'm going to mac on him like no one has ever mac-ed before.
Gonna throw a little woo at him and see what sticks.
He'll be catchin' what I'm throwin'...readin' what I'm writin'...pickin' up what I'm puttin' down...he'll be totally floored by my mad romantical skills. Who wouldn't be?
I know he can't resist my charms. Once I wear something besides sweat pants and thermal underwear...it's on.
I guess this means I'll have bathe...maybe put on a little deodorant, possibly some make up. We'll see. That's a little more effort than I'm used to putting in.
I've got one apple-pie-scented walmart votive candle that I'll light, and put on the plastic storage tote that is my bedside table.
I'll be spraying febreeze on all suspected poop/pee spots on the bedroom carpet.
I'll be cranking up the heat to like, 80 degrees, so we can strip down to only 2 layers of clothing.
I'll be buying cheap red wine from the liquor store 2 seconds up the road...$10 or less would really turn him on.
I'll strategically place rolled-up newspaper behind the pillow, so that we can swat the hell out of any interrupting dog that dares to jump on the bed while we're having quallity time.
And now the world knows what I'll hopefully be doing with my time tomorrow night. 2月20日 Melt Down Great day. Busy day. Watched some Annie, played a little Chutes and Ladders...and watched Annie again.
The ice and snow are finally starting to melt...a little. Tonight, all of it will probably refreeze and be extra-slick tomorrow.
Had plenty of time to think today, mostly about the usual stuff--aliens, poopy diapers, my hair, nasty carpets, and sleep. But my mind did wander off a little to something way more important--what would my heaven be like? I have several opinions on that issue:
Bored to Tears No, I don't mean you guys from reading this.
I'm talking about me. Being bored. To tears, here in this house.
I would now like to take this opportunity to comment (or bitch) about the programs on TV these days.
Here are some shows I despise, and think you should despise, too:
I swear. I get pissed off when I see commercials just advertising them. The Swan--okay. I see the point of wanting to take a woman who feels less than good about herself and make her feel like a million bucks...or at least spend a million bucks on her. But what I get from this show is that it is unacceptable for that woman to look the way she does, and she must be "saved" by plastic surgery. And the whole "beauty pageant" thing. As if she hasn't been judged enough. Does anyone believe in natural beauty anymore? The Bachelor--this one is completely ridiculous. I'll admit to watching on occasion, even rooting for my favorite girl to win the game...but that's all it is, a game--if it can even be considered that much. I see a bunch of perfectly lovely and educated women parading about in front of the camera, throwing themselves at a guy whose ego just doesn't match up to his brain or his looks...generally tossing all of their self-respect out the window, week after week, in order to recieve a rose, and making a mockery of marriage in the process. And finally, What Not To Wear--God forbid I should spend less than $100 on any one article of clothing. Some of these people are in serious need of a fashion makeover, but my beef is with Stacey and Clinton. They are unneccessarily HORRIBLE to these poor people, who may not make a ton of money, or may not have the time or the energy to dress in anything but comfy and sensible clothes. This show makes me feel ashamed to walk down the driveway without make-up. I wonder what they would say about me grocery shopping in my slippers. (Hey! They look like regular shoes to the outside observer!) All that being said, I will own up to loving Nip/Tuck and America's Next Top Model. Nip/Tuck is just darn good watchin', over-the-top wild and completely fictional. America's Next Top Model--well, these girls know what they're getting into, and they're not doing it for a man or anyone else...they're out for themselves. And I love a good cat fight. 2月19日 Coffee and Cabin Fever Oh. My. God.
I'm losing my mind. For real.
2 things that are really bad together: 1) Being snowed in, and 2) Drinking a ton of coffee.
I don't know why I do this to myself. It's not as if it's just sitting there, on the counter, piping hot, out of nowhere. I have to actually make the effort to fix a pot and drink this stuff. I know what always happens--I get antsy and impatient and incredibly crabby. And that is what I am right now.
Cheyenne and I BOTH are suffering from some serious cabin fever, snapping at each other and not feeling motivated to do anything at all. We've gone through every activity one can do inside the house on a day like today, and the only thing that's keeping our moods from taking a total nose dive is Mia. She seems unphased by the weather and is acting sillier than ever, running around talking her jibberish and doing crazy dances, reading books to us, singing...it's really hilarious and makes for some great entertainment.
The dogs, I think, are in some kind of hibernation mode. They've been sleeping almost all day, and moping around the house quietly when they're awake. I guess I'm not the only one that gets depressed when Caleb leaves. (Who, by the way, made it to Houston safe and sound.)
I thank those of you that read this for letting me rant and rave about such insignificant problems, when there are obviously millions of more important things in the world to be concerned about. I really don't know what I'd do without the girls to take care of, or the dogs to drive me crazy...I think life would be pretty darn boring. So no matter how much I complain, I'm so thankful for all of it. Easy like Sunday Morning Today I really am fighting insanity. Caleb successfully drove to the airport this morning, once again leaving me and the kids, and the dogs, here at home, only this time, we're stuck. I have strict orders not to even open the garage door, much less go anywhere, and for good reason. I'd probably kill everyone just getting down the driveway in this ice.
On a positive note, it is so pretty outside. It looks just like the background of my page...except without the trees. Our land is just one big white blob, dotted with little brown spots (dog poop). And the sky is completely white, too. There's so much light reflecting into the house today from it all...it really is awesome.
I cried a little bit when Caleb left. For some reason, watching him go on a Sunday is harder than normal. I guess I've just come to expect it on Mondays. Weekend departures throw me off a little.
To cheer us both up, Cheyenne and I decided to cook a mini-big-breakfast. I taught her how to make french toast, and sausage. She really got into it and did a fantastic job. We only made a little and served it with some strawberries and hot chocolate. Mia loved it so much she decided to share it with the dogs. It was a very girly breakfast for some very girly girls. After that, we turned on Annie and played "Guess Who?" about 20 times. We're in pretty good spirits now.
This weather has put a hault to my walking. I feel so lazy and tired when it's this cold, but I guess it gives me time to give the house a much-needed cleaning.
I'm waiting to hear from Caleb and see if his plane will be leaving on time. Other than that, nothing else is going on. We might watch Annie 5 more times today. Wish me luck on not going crazy after that. Hope everyone has a great Sunday. 2月18日 Snow and Sparkly Pink Things Well, the severity of this "winter storm" (as they're calling it on the news) is just now hitting home to me. The snow is still coming down. My garage door is frozen shut. My TV is messing up. AND IT'S FRICKIN' COLD.
I'm very content to sit inside by the fire, drink tea, and play mall madness with Cheyenne, but Caleb is restless. The man cannot sit still for 2 seconds. He is hell-bent on making it to Walmart, twenty miles down the road, to buy salt and whatever else is used by people up here to make ice go away on your car. He reasons he must be able to get to the airport tomorrow for this convention in Houston next week...as if the planes will even be flying. The second round of this bad weather is predicted to hit precisely when his flight is scheduled to leave.
Anyway, he miraculously backed down our driveway without much problem. I was quite impressed, since it is long and we are on a hill. I expected him to wind up in the ditch...and was actually a little bummed when he didn't, because I don't want him going anywhere in these conditions. I watched him drive slowly down the road, until I couldn't see the car anymore. I'm waiting for him to call and say he's on his way home, the roads are too slick, and that he's not going to go anywhere in the next few days. Yeah, right.
Cheyenne had a birthday party last night at the most bestest wonderful girly store in the world, and it was right here in this tiny town! They made sparkly bath stuff and dressed up mannequins in cool clothes, deciding at the end of the party who had the neatest outfit. I was so jealous when I dropped her off and saw what they were going to do. They even gave each other manicures and had cookie cake from The Cookie Company. I think I want to have my birthday party there. Dogs on Ice Yeah, so, I managed to sleep a little last night at the expense of my poor husband, who must've gotten up with the beasts that we call our pets. When the sun came up, I noticed the dogs were a little too quiet, so I lay in bed awake because I knew at any minute they would start stiring...and sure enough, Darcy started making horrible gagging noises and threw up right before I jumped out of bed and got her to the door. I've grown sort of accustomed to dog gags, just because they eat so much miscellaneous crap during the day.
I let them outside to go pee in a winter wonderland (we had an ice storm all through the night)...and it was like they were in the ice-capades...even the birds at the bird feeder were slipping and sliding. Darcy jumped over Shadow like she was jumping hurdles, flipped, and zoomed about 10 feet when she landed. It was hilarious. It totally made up for the puking incident (and that was pretty nasty). Maybe later on today I'll have them go to the front yard to pee and watch them slide down the hill. That would be entertaining.
So, back to the ice storm...I'm so disappointed it's not snow. But it looks really beautiful. And what could be better than being trapped in your house on a freezing Saturday morning with your kids and adoring husband and puking dogs? 2月17日 Dog Germs I once took a survey that asked, "What's the first thing that enters your mind when you wake up in the morning?"
My answer to that question was "I'm going to kill the dogs."
They start in before the sun is even up. I finally have Mia sleeping until 7:30 or so, but they are scratching, biting, whining, sighing, farting, shaking at 6:00 every morning without fail. When I open my eyes, I can see only their tails, standing straight up, like shark fins sticking out of the water. They move from one side of the bed to the other, until one decides to jump up and put their paws on the edge of the mattress (it's normally Darcy). Most of the time she will just sit there and stare at me, inches away from my face, maybe whine a little bit, but every now and then, she licks my cheek with her nasty doggy tongue and scratches the crap out of my arm with her claws.
UUUUGGG.
I'm thinking about dropping them off in the woods hundreds of miles away from here and just telling Caleb that they ran away. On some days, he might take that kind of news fairly well. 2月16日 Milk and Crayons Stupid dogs. Stupid, stupid dogs. After being gone for only 20 minutes to pick up Cheyenne, those horrible mongrels managed to inflict major damage on 2 remote controls, a plastic barn gate, a child-size broom, a sofa pillow, and a valentine teddy bear that Cheyenne intended to deliver to her best friend tonight. I would like you all to know that every last one of these things were placed well out of reach of the dogs, or so I thought, before I left the house. I'm positive the two younger ones acted alone as Shadow just lay on the couch, watching them calmly, perhaps even saying to them, "You guys are so screwed when the mean one gets home and sees what you've done."
I can't even walk out in the yard for 5 minutes without something being destroyed by the time I get back inside. I think what happens is that Darcy gets the stuff down, and encourages Smokey to chew on it. They truly are partners in crime. I'm so sick of them. I used to hate the thought of crating them up, but it's looking better and better these days. And yet, they don't chew nearly as much as they used to. I guess my patience has just worn out.
Mia has her own way of trying me lately. I chased her all over Barnes & Noble, Michael's, and Target this morning, and she still seemed to have boundless energy when we got home. She gets the biggest kick out of playing "chase" or "hide-and-seek" with mommy in public places, and refuses to be carried, or to sit in a buggy. Needless to say, I did not get much accomplished on our outing.
She also seems to have picked up on the dogs' chewing habits. Today I gave her some chocolate milk while she colored in her high chair. I did the dishes not while she drew, but while she quietly dipped the fat crayons in her milk, sucked them, and bit the ends off. She does the wierdest and the grossest things sometimes. I guess it's just her way of figuring things out, exploring.
Every other word out of her mouth is "NO!" Sometimes it's a short no, sometimes a long, high-pitched no...it varies depending on the mood, I guess. It's especially funny when she says it to the dogs. Not so much when she says it to me, although she is so cute...I want to laugh, but I know that would only encourage her.
This weekend I will try to put some more pictures from Christmas and other days we spent hanging out at the house. I promise. Burning! I'm going to try to type as quick as I can before my allotted computer time is up and Mia's naptime is over, Cheyenne gets out of school, and Caleb comes home and to reclaim his throne (the wretchedly uncomfortable wooden chair at the computer desk).
I saw a fire burning in a neighborhood about a mile up the highway from us. They must have put it out in a hurry because when Caleb drove by 20 minutes later it was gone. Thank God, because the wind is kickin' today big time.
Valentine's Day was a hit at my house. The girls loved their little bags of miscellaneous junk, plus my mom sent everyone a few treats. Caleb got home at about 8:00 p.m. and was completely worn out, but managed to pick up a beautiful bouquet of flowers, boxes of chocolate for me and Cheyenne, a stuffed animal for Mia, steak, champagne, bubble bath, and 3 very sweet cards for each of his "girls". It was awesome.
After we put the kids to bed, he cooked steak on the grill for just the 2 of us. We popped open a bottle of champagne and managed to drink the whole thing while we, as predicted, watched "The Shield". When that was over, Caleb drew us a bath and put on a CD of "our songs". I'm going to brag on my husband now. The man knows how to do things right. We don't get many opportunities to be alone, but he always comes up with ways to be romantic, even when he's exhausted. He is so perfect. It was a fabulous Valentine's Day. 2月14日 The Eyes of the Ranger Are Upon You Came across this today and thought I was going to die laughing.
I'm not a Chuck Norris fan, but could appreciate this since I was forced to watch "Walker, Texas Ranger" with my dad more than a few times. Plus, he is my favorite one out of the 3 stooges. (The other 2 being JeanClaude Van Dam and Steven Segal.)
CHUCK NORRIS When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." |
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